Zach’s Driving Tips!

These are things you can do to drive better: (well… maybe worse…)

Put your license plate upside down. Draw a mustache and glasses on your drivers license. Drive on the left side of the road. Turn on some talk radio at a stoplight and try to head bang (remember to roll down the windows so everybody else can hear the wonderful political debates). Turn on  your emergency lights and shut off your engine at all stoplights. Put some red and blue wooden blocks in the back window (if you get pulled over for “fake police lights” say you didn’t know; your kid must have put them there. Stare at people when you are at stoplights. Look around as if you are paranoid… constantly. If you ever get pulled over, make sure the first thing you say is, “Officer, I swear I didn’t steal that balloon. I bought it last week. Please don’t arrest me!” If you ever stop at a fast food restaurant, ask for grey poupon (my dad does this all the time); be like, “Oh, Sir… would you happen to have any grey poupon?”. If you get pulled over speak in a British accent, and occasionally say “swive” or “bloody”. If you can’t speak in a British accent, act like you don’t speak any English. If somebody pulls up next to you, stare at them until they look back at you, wait about five seconds, and start laughing like you’ve never laughed before. Flash made up gang sings at people and yell, “I love Barney!” Strap a fake corpse in a rolled up rug on the top of your car (maybe you can even drop off some stuff at the dump). Buy funny bumper stickers. Wear an alien costume every time you drive. Buy a European car (with the steering wheel on the left side of car) and put a dog in the passenger seat (make sure you install a fake steering wheel on this side). When you pull up next to a car, slump down. Make it look like the dog is driving. Open the sunroof, climb on top of your car, and stare at people as they pass. Try driving with your feet. Try driving while upside down, use your forehead to hit the gas and brake. Always slump down so people can’t see you when at stoplights. Pretend to talk to somebody in the passenger seat when nobody is there. Put creepy faces in the back window. Flick your “ultra-brights” on and off when cars pass you going the other way. Leave your trunk open. Play classical music really loudly. Scream at the radio during a talk radio show. Make a sign with paper and crayon that says POLICE, and try to pull people over with flashing clip on jewelery. Pick at hitchhikers, and after. Cover your rear bumper with dollar bills, and wait for them to get stolen, then report it to the police. Pull over or go the wrong way in a roundabout. Get stuck in a roundabout. Pull over on the highway, lay on top of your car, and pretend to sleep. Whenever talking to the police, sneeze and cough constantly, and ask what they said very often. Honk at everybody, especially at stoplights!

DISCLAIMER:M THESE ACTIONS ARE PERFORMED BY A PROFESSIONAL. DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE.