So it’s Christmas Eve and you’re invited to the family dinner of the year. Your car is laden with gifts from Barclaycard, and your dog is already dressed in his santa jacket. The tree sparkles with…well, just a bit of bedraggled tinsel actually, and the scent of burning mincepies lingers in the air.

Mum called you an hour ago, just to check that you’re going to remember that nice pink sweater Aunt Hilda knitted, the one with the deranged snowman on the front. She tells you she’s cooking trout for dinner, alongside the crispy dried turkey of course. Trout?

You can’t bare to go through with it and you need a helping hand from someone, anyone, to get you out of it. Heres what to do, dont worry, this will all work out.

1. Take the pink sweater out of your overnight bag, and burn it
2. Unload the car, unwrap the alcohol, get yourself VERY MERRY drunk
3. Take down the pathetic attempt at a tree, burn that too
4. Grab a George Michael C.D
5. Dress up in your favourite pink toutou
6. Drive over to mum’s house (take the bicycle, you’re pissed remember)
7. Sneak into mum’s kitchen and steal the turkey (and trout)
8. Take the star down from the tree and replace it with the tukey
9. Put the trout in your Dad’s slipper
10. Put George Michael into the CD player, and give him some volume
11. Do the George Michael pant dance round the house in your pink toutou, wait for mum and dad to come running

You will never be invited for dinner again