Being a single celled organism, I can only speculate on how you “people” work. But really? Whoever said you guys were a nation of complainers was WRONG! You’re a SPECIES of complainers!

What are you guys crying about? Eh-Eye-Gee? Back where I came from, the only Eh-Eye-Gee you got was when a white-celled organism slipped up behind your back.

Healthcare? What you need health care for? Your average lifespan is 80 years or something! Do you really need to live that long? My lifespan is something like 15 seconds — this article is my life’s work!

Let’s face it. Your problems are nothing to me, absolutely nothing. You have a brain! Do you realize how much easier life is with a brain and spinal cord? It’s not easy to micromanage all of the functions of your cell. And the food isn’t great either. People get the cheese, I get the mold.

And don’t get me started on the amoeba economy. Wait, nevermind, I alluded to that in the title. (Hah! ALL-U-DEAD! HAHHAH!).

Note from slave worker being dictated to by single celled organism: Amoebas have a dry sense of humor. Ignore that. Bet you were wondering how amoebas could type? Anyways, back to him.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… shut up slave! As I was saying, the amoeba economy is terrible right now. Slave tells me I’ve earned $0.01 from Triond so far. Apparently that makes a pile of human money so immense it would be bigger than me.

D’ya realize how hard it would be to make my worth in cell parts? It’s costing me a nucleus and a cell wall just to go shopping with these taxes!

And the energy crisis….

Meh, 15 seconds is up! What a tough life I’ve had.