Attention joggers: It’s okay to take the day off from

jogging, if there is a blinding snowstorm going on!

Repeat… you don’t have to jog during a snowstorm!

Jack

La Lane, or whatever guru you’re following, will forgive

you! You’re jogging muscles will not turn into bags of K-Y

Jelly if you fail to participate one day! The only people

who should be jogging in a snowstorm are those in training

for the Minsk 5K in mid January, or if you’re too dumb to

realize what a hazard you are for people trying to drive!

Okay. You caught me.

You probably can tell by my first

paragraph that I’m a little upset over these overzealous,

obnoxiously obsessive runners who feel it necessary to

maintain their fitness routine regardless of the weather.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for fitness and jogging is an

excellent source of body toning. God bless you men and

women out there keeping yourselves fit.

There are, however, a few of your brothers and sisters who

must have gotten a 13 on their SATs, because they’re out

there, in the worst weather, trying to show their

perseverance. Pick up the phone now, don’t wait until you

finish reading this column, call them and tell them that

their lives are in danger.

Let me start at the beginning. Last winter, I had the

pleasure of driving to work in a snowstorm that could only

be labeled, “The Snowstorm Nobody Wanted.” It wasn’t a

nice, gently falling snow that crunches under your tires

when you drive on it. It was a blowing, wet snow mixed

with rain, sleet and Campbell’s Consommé. Accompanied with

a 50 mile per hour wind, which blew the snow sideways, it

was like driving through a tunnel of Venetian blinds. The

roads were slicker than David Schwimmer’s hair. It was a

driver’s nightmare.

Amidst all this meteorological mayhem, I saw not one, not

two, but three people jogging. They weren’t jogging on the

sidewalk. They were jogging in the street, like they would

be less likely to fall if they ran in the street.

One woman was actually jogging in this perilous

precipitation with an umbrella. Could someone please

explain the rationale behind this? I mean, it was thirty

degrees, snow was coming at her sideways like thousands of

stickpins, winds gusting up to 50 miles per hour, and here

was this woman running while holding an umbrella. What’s

the umbrella for, lady? Your handicap? Don’t you think

you’d end up drier if you tried swimming the English

Channel?

Another jogger, who had been jogging on the sidewalk,

decided he didn’t like the side of the street he was

jogging on and jumped over the curb, just as I was

approaching him. Nice move, Ex-Lax. Here I am, driving on

a street of ball bearings, and this single celled amoeba

decides to jump in front of me and then he does his Charlie

Chaplin imitation of slipping on ice.

Now, I think I’m a pretty courteous guy. (I say, “Excuse

me” if I belch and there’s no one around.) So, the last

thing I want to do is spray cold, wet, dirty snow on

someone as they’re trying to keep physically fit. However,

if a car is coming at me in the opposite direction, I feel

it necessary to move to the right, which, of course, causes

my car to throw an icy overcoat on any poor pedestrian in

the way.

So, from now on, here are the new rules for drivers should

they go into a skid:

Sit back and enjoy the view. (I didn’t know there

was a deli in that mini-mall. I must try it as soon as I get out of intensive care.)

Aim for the jogger who made you go into the skid in

the first place.

In all fairness, I feel I should issue new rules for the

joggers, too. So, here they are. Rules for jogging in a

blizzard:

Don’t

A blizzard is an excellent day for you to stay home, make a

nice cup of diet hot cocoa, play Scrabble with the family

and watch a prerecorded video. (Exception: Marathon Man.)

And, if you do feel a sudden spark of energy flash through

your system, and you absolutely must exercise, then, by all

means, come over to my house and shovel my driveway.