Apparently, even with bad dates, you have to start somewhere. I was not getting anywhere on the local dating scene after the implosion of a horrible relationship- so I signed up with several dating sites online. While waiting for Prince Charming to log on to the World Wide Web, I also was perusing chat rooms. Hey, I was new to computers at the time and exploring seemed like a good idea. I met a man, who was amusing, sweet and funny. In retrospect, red flags were flying all over the place. (Or pink, but we’ll get to that.)

So, after several weeks of IM and emails back and forth we agree that we would like to meet for real. He asks if my children would like to come along and then the whole thing goes from a first date between two adults to a tentative meeting of the families at the zoo. What? How did that happen? Flags are falling like confetti at New Year’s now. A complete lack of communication has me lost in the greater Columbus area with my three disgruntled children, all four of us by then starving and perturbed. Finally, greater sense catches up to me, I feed my family, turn my car around and head for home. I wish I could say the whole experiment ended there.

But, the following day, I respond to this man’s rather frantic emails that I am in fact still alive and explain that I was lost. (Note to any daters in the world out there- please specify which commonly named gas station you are meeting your date at- exactly. Do not just say the name and assume the rest will just sort of work out.) We agree that we will try this dating thing one more time- and hey, would I let him call me so that he could hear my voice? (Oh, yeah, until that point we had not done that either.) So, I allow it and let me tell you, that is where most of the problems started. You know how some men have those husky, deep baritone voices that make you melt the minute they say, “well, hello there.” ? This was not this guy. He had that voice that was almost higher than mine and I soon found out that the man had a particular penchant for the phrase “You go girl”. Seriously.

So, I am still working under the assumption that you do not say no to any date or karma will think you are too picky- so, I load the kids up the following weekend and off we go to meet this guy once again. My older daughter vowed that if he said the dread phrase just once, she would lose her mind. We met at a shopping center ( bad sign), ate at a family style restaurant. The conversation was flowing between him and my children, (I stared off into space dreaming that I was somewhere else). I heard the phrase, and looked up to see my daughter just about to spit a mouthful of her soda at me. Choking, she struggled to recompose herself.

We played miniature golf- (not a bad date activity), but again, I thought of about a million other places that I would rather be: torture chamber, oral surgery…Afterward, he suggested that we go …shopping. Are you serious? Shopping? Oh, for the love of… so, we wander around the mall. I ditched him with my oldest child and wandered around thinking that there is something seriously wrong with this picture. We got a grown adult man who is shopping, by choice even, and singing the theme song of popular cartoons for my youngest. The date blissfully ends, he goes for the full body hug- I duck into the car and nearly peel the rubber off my tires getting out of there.

Do I think that I was at fault on this one? Oh my God, no. This is a clearly conflicted man who was peeping out of a closet and trying in vain to be someone that he is not. At least, that’s the spin I am going to forever put on it.