This is a nightmare I had the other night, the eve preceding an important Math Quiz.

            Math Teacher: Hello, students. Just a bit of a warm-up here, before we start today’s lesson. (Switches on projector)

            3+8=?

            There. Now, let’s say that the answer is equal to x. It happens to be convenient, most mathematical equations will be equal to x. We don’t know why… it just seems to work out that way.

            3+8=x

            X always means to multiply, so when we add x to the equation, we must multiply the unknown side of our equation, but with what? We don’t have a variable connected to “what?”, but we do have one for a similar question “why?” Add it to the equation…

            3+8=xy

            Now, whenever we multiply one side, we have to divide it as well, to keep our equation constant. So, take the denominator (De Nomine Etore is Greek. It means “The number we stole”), which we steal from the other side. We have two choices: 3 or 8. Either is possible, both are likely, and two numbers will be more exact in significant digits than taking only one option. Ergo…

            3+8= (xy)/ (8-3)(8+3)

            Here, we have a difference of squares, and when we have a difference of squares we are obviously dealing with two square objects. So, we draw two squares, and connect the corners. When we do, we will have two equal perpendicular sides and one hypotenuse which is equal to the root of the added squares of both sides. Added squares? Oh, we need more squares!

            (3+8)^2= ((xy)/ root(8-3)(8+3))^2

            Now we have squares we need to simplify. In order to simplify squares to a workable level, we use two options: roots or logs. Logic tells us this is clearly a tree function, because trees have roots and logs, (at least, in one branch of mathematics! Tee-hee!) Now, tree functions were developed by a mathematician from Newfoundland, derived from with work involving the number 3. (3… tree… no coincidence there, it happens to be mathematical law) So, we have to root and log our equation with our tree functions. We get the following results:

            3Func>2log(3+8)= 3Func>(log(xy)/ root (8-3)(8+3))^2

            Everybody understands, right?

            So we have different squares, roots, logs, hypotenuses, tree functions, so now, we begin to solve. Of course,we must consider the slight probability that the answer was not equal to x in the first place when we set our equation as equal to x, and subtract that from the known side of the equation. If the answer isn’t actually x, we obviously can’t have that in our equation. In probability, we need to divide the probability that answer was not x (x on the x, therefore xCx) divided by the probability of everything else (abcdefghijkl etc. a-z, x not equal to x, therefore a-z x#xCx) Adding that to our equation:

            (3Func>2log(3+8)) / (xCx/ a-zx#xCx) =3Func>(log(xy)/ root (8-3)(8+3))^2)

            By the way students, if you aren’t understanding this, you need to come on in for extra help. On that note, I would also like to mention that yesterday was the last possible to day to drop the class. It is important to note your mark in this class will decide whether you go to college, become a successful high-powered executive with a trophy wife, a nice car and control of people who live to kiss your shoes, or are doomed to a lifetime of being one of the shoe-kissers. You there! Yes, you! I see that calculator! Turn it off, or I’ll have you expelled!

            But returning to the question, what number with a third function of logarithmic expression on a multiplication with the variable “why” divided by the difference of squares rooted to find the hypotenuse within the both squares, to the second power (which, as all Superman fans know, happens to be x-ray vision, but x is already a variable, so we don’t need to worry about that) will equal the known side of our equation? After taking into account the reduced probability of x inequality, and inversing the tree function of the doubled logarithm of our original expression, and setting that equal to our unknown side, it’s easy to figure out. The answer, of course, is 11. So we put that into our original equation…

            3+8=11

            Come test time, students, I expect you to show all this work. Any student who simply writes 11 will be given a mark of zero. Well, now that the easy stuff is over, on with the lesson!