My Belly:

1. Drunk dialed Winnie the Pooh.
2. Moans and groans like a porn star.
3. Gets lonely whenever the rent, cable or cell phone bills are due.
4. Got arrested for disorderly conduct after Spring Break.
5. Does not come with a side of fries and won’t let me have it my way.
6. Hates your belly.
7. And Me.
8. Loves long walks on the  beach and holding hands.
9. Is hiding weapons of mass destruction
10. Discovered oil, but can’t move to Beverly Hills.
11. Was kicked out of Home Town Buffet for abusing the staff.
12. Hates me.
13. Was not invited to the family reunion but insisted on coming anyway.
14. Has a restraining order and must stay 20 feet away from me at all times.
15. Deflates my ego but inflates everyone elses’.
16. Can’t afford to “put a ring on it”.
17. Texted Oprah on Easter.
18. Never has to say “I’m sorry”.
19. Is not a team player.
20. Needs a booster seat to reach the table
21. Won the powerball jackpot?
22. Is not covered by Medicare.
23. Refuses to commit.
24. Found Osama Bin Laden.
25. Was supposed to provide shelter to the homeless, but shut it’s doors in February due to unforeseen budget cuts.

    Bonus:

26. Is tired of being stalked by the paparatzi and ridiculed for refusing to become a fire-belly.