As you get older the importance of a good bowel movement is the number one concern in most adults lives. Sex is great but a good bm brightens up the whole day

Take a look. Cute huh. People let me tell you bout my best friend

As a kid in Brooklyn we grew up always hearing our parents saying that there are starving children somewhere in the world so we had to eat everything on our plates. That would have been fine if there was something edible on my plate to eat. I hated the way my Mom cooked. Now mind you she wasn’t just a bad cook but she could cook the taste out of anything. Later on in life I was astounded to find that food actually had taste. My big thing is consistency. Everything my Mom made you could eat without teeth. I remember how the menu went and it was pretty much the same every week for 15 years of my life. The only thing that changed was the type of vegetable. Substitute cauliflower for lentils or squash. Didn’t matter to me I was not chewing that shit. Minimal amount of time in my mouth. Spoon to throat never touching the tongue.

Monday was macaroni and cauliflower, Tuesday was macaroni and broccoli, Wednesday was macaroni and peas (my nemesis), Thursday was macaroni and tomato sauce (we called it macaroni and gravy), Friday was macaroni and any fish she could find, Saturday was steak and Sunday was macaroni and gravy. The only days I chewed my food was Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. The rest of the days I swallowed the rigatoni, gnocchi and vegetables whole. I love her dearly but Jeez I could swallow a Thunderbird by the time I turned 10. I could have been a very popular girl. As a kid I had a very disruptive digestive system. I friggin wonder why.

Well I did start to wonder about the many times I had to run into the bathroom from playing outside with exploding diarrhea. I know everyone at one time or another has had that feeling of “Oh my God somethings not right.” I thought it was just the normal growing up experience. Like the pains I used to get in my joints. Growing pains. Yeah.

I had always thought about how I swallowed everything whole but that didn’t really fit together. So I sat down with my Mom, she still is talking to me after our shaving conversation, and we discussed my temperamental anal expulsions and she told me something I totally forgot about. Freakin turtles. I always had turtles when I was growing up. Those cute little green turtles. I must have had 20 of them. Actually they all were called Chipper after the middle son in My Three Sons but that’s irrelevant. It’s my ass we’re talking about.

So here I was with these cute little green turtles and I would hold them and play with them and then go have a fluff-n-nutter sandwich. Hmmm. Those little bastards gave me salmonella. I had blamed my Mom all these years for being a terrible cook, which she still is, and all the time it was my little friends giving me an explosive chocolate starfish. Let me tell you I scoff at e-coli now. Food poisoning means nothing to me. Bring it on. I had so many bouts of salmonella that I’m impervious to any bacteria.

I’m ordering a BLT with extra tomato’s. Ha