The concept of presbycusis was inflicted upon me in my early twenties shortly after I had sat patiently for my first hearing test at the factory. These hearing tests came about because the machinery we worked on was extremely loud, none of us wore hearing protection, and OSHA had just become aware of the fact. So, there I was, sitting nervously in a tiny booth, wearing headphones and staring at one spot on the door so that nothing could possibly distract me from my business at hand, which was listening for a series of tiny beeps that were so faint only a dog could hear them.

The fact that the so called “sound proof” booth that I was sitting in did not keep out even the tiniest squeak of a mouse, did nothing to help my nervousness, nor did the homely little spider that chose that exact moment to build his web in the precise location that I was staring at, thereby distracting me thoroughly. Besides that, most of the tones I was straining to hear were of the same exact frequency as the ringing in my ears, so if I heard a series of tones, real or imaginary, I pressed the little button….with a glove on of course. I never could understand why we had to wear a glove just to press that stupid button, unless factory rats have dirtier thumbs than human beings do.

I pressed that button if I heard three little beeps, I pressed it when I thought I heard three little beeps, I pressed it when I heard the forklift backup beeper going off, (sounds like a soundproof room doesn’t it?) I pressed the button when I heard the secretary’s chair squeaking in the front office, and I pressed it out of sheer desperation because I had not heard any beeps for a while. In other words, I was pressing that silly button like mad which no doubt amused the lady running the test to no end. Believe it or not, I did pretty well on that test. So what if I heard 150 tones in my right ear and 246 in my left. So what if there were only about twenty tones per ear. My theory is that it is better to hear too much than it is to hear too little.

So what, you might ask, does presbycusis have to do with all of this? Well, I’ll tell you. Presbycusis, it seems, is not Presbyterian excuses but is actually a rather convenient way for the hearing tester to give you any darn score he or she pleases without having to admit that he or she has not in any way actually looked at your hearing test. What they do is look at your original hearing test which in my case was taken when I was about 21 years of age, and then they “adjust” it according to your current age, assuming of course, that all human beings of your current age suffer the exact same amount of hearing loss at the exact same time.

Basically, presbycusis means that as you age your hearing changes, and not in a positive manner either. The hearing tester is predetermining how fast you will go deaf, and is adjusting your testing scores accordingly. As a result of presbycusis I have had some interesting test results over the years. We only had our hearing tested once a year, usually in October, and each year my scores were a little different. One year they were a lot different. The year prior to that year I had taken a perfect hearing test and was proclaimed “normal” for my age bracket. The very next year I was completely deaf and was recommended for another hearing test and possibly being fitted for hearing aids. The year after that, I was normal again. Must have been the hearing aids I didn’t get, from the second appointment I never kept.

My cousin took a hearing test one time, and was pronounced profoundly deaf. She had no idea and was disheartened to learn of her condition. They recommended that she too take a second “professional” test. (I wonder what that meant?) A couple weeks later I saw her wearing hearing aids and when I spoke to her she told me I didn’t need to shout as the hearing aids were not turned on anyway. She had been instructed that she was to wear the hearing aids at all times while on the job. Then she looked at me and with a completely straight face, told me the punchline. The management team had determined that not only should she wear her hearing aids at all times in the factory but she would also have to wear really big ear muffs at all times for hearing protection.

So, there she was, wearing both hearing aids (turned off) and hearing protection which is designed to block out outside noise, at the same time, while rolling her eyes at me. It’s her own blamed fault for taking the tester’s advice and going to that second appointment. If she had simply ignored it, like I did, she would be hearing enabled to this day. Of course her mind, like mine is probably gone from all those years of factory weirdness. Oh well, at least her hearing is intact.