Sex Tips From an 80-Year-Old
To get a different perspective on things erotic, I asked my 80-year-old grandfather to write down the best advice he could offer about how to dazzle ladies in the bedroom. These, evidently, are his go-to moves.
Setting The Mood
Put on a nice jazz record to put your lady at ease—Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, or even Duke Ellington, if you’re feeling really sexy. While you’re cranking the phonograph, give her a few compliments—tell her she has a pleasant demeanor, or an admirable character, or nice thick thighs. Doing this should elicit a squeal of delight from her. If it does not, you’d be smart to end things right then and there.
Sing her a showtune from one of her favorite Broadway shows, changing the lyrics so that they include her name. For example, if you’re singing to a girl named Greta, change the lyric “In all my days / and all my nighty-nights / I never thought I’d see a girl like Mabel” to “In all my days / and all my nighty-nights / I never thought Greta would see a girl like Mabel.” She will find this very funny and charming.
Dim the lights, assure her that you intend to marry her, and congratulate yourself. For you have set the mood.
Removing Her Garments
Disrobing a girl can be a pleasurable process or a nightmarish one. Here’s how to keep things going smoothly.
Remove her girdle first. Untie it in the back and give it a good yank. If it doesn’t come off, grab your trusty pocket knife and cut the garment off of her. The sight of the shiny blade should give her a thrill, too. If it does not, you’d be wise to excuse yourself and make other plans for the evening.
Taking off a woman’s top hat is a simple task that, because of its simplicity, invites the most deplorable sloppiness. You must grab the hat with two hands at opposite sides of the brim, lift it gently off of her head, place it jokingly upon your own, and then slice it in two with your trusty knife. Your savagery will excite her, sexually.
If she is wearing a chastity belt, ask her politely for the key. If she refuses to hand it over, tell her the old Germanic folktale about a beautiful young maiden who refused to unlock her chastity belt for anyone until she was orally raped by a young prince whose patience had reached its reasonable limits. If this doesn’t do the trick, tie her to the chamberpot and call for a locksmith.
Many women enjoy it when you say dirty things to them, but doing so is a risky venture. For there is a fine line between a remark that is arousing and one that is downright repulsive.
For example, saying “I would like very much to see your bosoms” would be a suitable dirty remark, while saying “Madam, I want to see your bosoms” would likely win you a slap in the face.
Telling a girl that you have an erection is at all times completely unacceptable. Instead, simply press your erection aggressively against her thighs. Don’t worry, she’ll get the hint.
What To Do After You Achieve Orgasm
After you’re satisfied—and this could take as long as three or four minutes—feel free to stop all sexual activity immediately. No sense in beating off a dead horse.
Recite a humorous poem so that your lady will stop her sobbing, such as this one:
Every time our bodies touch
An angel gets its wings.
Every time I have to pee
God tell me why it stings.
Your face is really snazzy
And your hair is also snazzy
But every time I go to pee
I can’t tell you how it stings.
This is the easiest way to break it to her that you have syphilis, as well. If at this point she’s still crying, recite the poem again, this time more forcefully.
Finally, tell her she was wonderful, give her a fake address and phone number, and be on your merry way.
I haven’t tried any of these out yet, but they all seem pretty promising, I think. Maybe a little antiquated. Anyway, let me know how they work out if you try them, and make sure to thank my grandfather if you see him!