I recently read an article written by a woman who is a champion eater. Yeah, you heard correctly, a champion eater. She has won so many eating contests that she pretty much scares away the other contestants on a regular basis, and she claims that there are times when after competing in one of these contests, she is still hungry. Wow. I can feel for her, because I have been known to eat practically an entire pizza by myself. I understand having a big appetite. What I don’t understand is the fact that she appears to weigh about forty pounds soaking wet.

I know another woman, who stands about 5ft 4 or 5 and is as skinny as a rail. I commented on that and she told me, and I quote: “I know, I really do try to gain weight, I eat like a pig, and nothing happens.” Okay, so I paraphrased just a bit. She didn’t actually mention swine. I wonder if there is such a thing as a liposuction fat transfer technique. They could strap us both down on side-by-side tables, put us under, and then suck the fat out of me and stuff it into her. I could spare about, oh I don’t know….five or six…..gallons.

These scrawny waifs are not happy unless they are making us fat people cry. They gulp down five or six donuts, an entire box of chocolate-covered cherries, a box of cookies, a tub of ice cream, a couple dozen bagels with whipped cream on top, and a bowl of chocolate mousse, and then they cry about how unfair life is, because they don’t gain an ounce, and they really want to gain at least ten pounds. Meanwhile, us fatties have just gained ten pounds by watching them eat.

They blame it on their metabolisms, whining that they can’t possibly gain any weight because they burn it up too fast. If it is the metabolism that controls how thin or fat a person is, then where in the heck is mine, and how do I reset it to a higher speed? It makes me feel like an Edsel attempting to keep pace with a Camaro. It just isn’t going to happen. If I could get my hands on those darn controls, I could be a Camaro too, and then I’d stand around in my size zero clothes and whine about how hard I try to gain weight. I think the idea there is to whine fast and then duck even faster so you can avoid the flying rabbit food that the fat people are sick of eating.

There is of course, the Atkins diet, which allows you to eat a lot of stuff, just as long as you survive the first two weeks. Most of the weight lost from that diet is lost in the first two weeks. After that, it’s a challenge remaining in your fat clothes because you are overindulging to the point of bursting after starving yourself for two weeks. Only those with will power the size of Connecticut will stay with this diet and be successful. The rest will starve for fourteen days and then binge eat for the next three years. Needless to say, I was not one of the successful Atkins dieters. But I know who they are….both of them.

The fat people of the world really should find something about ourselves that we can brag about whenever we see a totally rude skinny person. (by totally rude, I am not referring to personality but merely presence) Perhaps we could talk about our lack of bony prominances, (like cheekbones for example) or casually mention how we are attempting to earn our second million dollars. (we gave up on the first, but they don’t need to know that) I want to see the look on a skinny person’s face when I tell him or her that I used to weigh only 90 pounds, but I didn’t like the way my clothing always hung on me when I was that thin. They don’t need to know that the last time I weighed 90 pounds I was still in Junior High.

The only problem with being skinny as far as I can see, is that skinny women have absolutely no figure whatsoever. I knew one who I thought had a great figure until she told me that she has to wear padded bras just to achieve an “A” cup. These are women who can go braless and nobody knows the difference. If I tried that, everyone would notice, I guarantee it. On the other hand, I’ve seen fat women who could open a swinging door five seconds before their outstretched hand touched it. I’m not quite that bad, I’m happy to say, but the problem with fat women is that we never stop “growing”. I just hope that when I see one of those women walk by that I’m not looking at my own future.

Sometimes when I see these skinny women, I have to wonder how big they were as fetuses. I’ll bet I weighed more at conception than some of those women weighed at birth. They look like refugees that have been floating on a life raft for a year with only the occasional fish to eat. Truth is, they don’t look any healthier than us fatties do, so it makes me wonder, just where that fine dividing line between too thin and too fat, actually lies? Wherever it is, I’ll bet it’s at least thirty pounds lighter than myself. That much is a given.

I also wonder how these women use a toilet. Surely they must sit down and fall right in. Perhaps they use the buddy system to prevent accidental death by drowning….and flushing. And in case you were wondering, no I am not bitter about skinny people. Much. I gotta go now, I need a cookie.