Follow us on Twitter
Sports Injuries in Couch Potatoes
People are drawn to sport. The modern sports person is heavily involved although it may be from the couch. This is a guide to sports injuries for couch potatoes.
The modern age has benefited mankind in many ways through the advent of technological advances in medicine, communication systems, travel and non perfumed soap. Sport plays a large part in our society as it has done throughout the ages from the Roman gladiators, the tribal Anglo Saxons, the communities generated in the Industrial revolution and through to our vast metropolises of this technological age.
More and more men, and thank god women too are involved in sport today than ever before. However, this age has seen major constraints placed on personal time, and the congestion outside of the home has made travel to areas of sport harder to accomplish. No, the modern sports person, the embodiment of our proud heritage of competition through sport is more often found in the living room, partaking of all manner of sporting events through the medium of the television. This new breed of competitor is called the couch potato.
As with all sporting codes, these athletes can be subjected to tremendous forces that will tax the body and torment the mind. Herein, is a guide to offer help to the clinician and to the lay person alike, to recognize and thereby treat some of the more common injuries sustained by these new breed gladiators.
BURNS:
Nasty at any time, the couch potato or CP, is very prone to these.
| CAUSES: | Spilling hot coffee or tea in the excitement of the game
Being unaware of what they are doing, the CP is so engrossed in the game they can pick up hot drinks and swallow thinking it is a beer or a coke |
| TREATMENT: | Immediately bring ice to the victim being careful to avoid getting in the way of the big screen, and place it over the affected area.
Apply a burn cream In serious cases, get the portable television or at worst a radio, tune it to the correct station before trying to move the patient, and get the patient to a Dr. (Hint: The larger accident clinics have TV in the waiting lounge) |
| PREVENTION: | Serve only cold drinks during sporting events |
CIRCULATION:
The silent killer. This can affect the CP well after the damage has been done. The circulation can be seriously lowered to
the whole body or to specific limbs from lying awkwardly cutting off the blood flow. Deep vein thrombosis, arteriosclerosis, with gangrene being a rare but dangerous complication to look out for.
| CAUSES: | Games that can cause long periods of inactivity.
Common in golf and cricket devotees, when rain halts play, tactical games are played or when just plain dull e.g. NZ vs Kenya in cricket. Also found in motorsport CP’s, 3 day horse events and the like. |
| TREATMENT: | Prevention is the only treatment that can be made at home.
For all of the medical problems caused, see a reputable heart specialist. |
| PREVENTION: | Encourage the CP to drink copious fluids to keep the electrolyte balance up and encourage the need to void the bladder.
Set the alarm clock to go off every hour and place this far enough away from the lounge to ensure the CP has to get up to turn off the irritating noise. (Hint: Ensure the alarm is not able to be hit by thrown chip packets, bottles etc). The CP should be counseled on the need for regular exercising to keep his/her athletic shape in fine form. During commercial breaks, get into the habit of tensing and flexing. When the action is particularly turgid, squeezing of the hands, tensing of the buttocks at goal shots, pelvic floor exercises, holding of the breath for 40 seconds or more can all help. |
CONCENTRATION:
Concentration is not a problem in itself. The problem with concentration in the CP is the all absorbing fixation on the sporting spectacle, resulting in a lack of attention to the world about the CP competitor.
Injuries through absorption in the events include:
fractures through, falling over low lying tables,
head injuries from falling or walking into doors, walls,
crush injuries from shutting doors on fingers, especially the fridge door,
sitting on the remote and having to have this surgically removed,
burns, especially fires from leaving the food in the oven too long, completely overlooked,
sprains,
social alienation from not reading newspapers,
social problems from not paying bills, etc.
| TREATMENT: | Prevention is again the answer.
For specific injuries, refer to the relevant section. |
| PREVENTION: | To increase the CP’s ability to concentrate on other things, some assistance may be gained from diets rich in Vitamin A,C and E such as green leaved vegetables, fruit and acidophilus yogurt.
Regular sexual activity should keep the CP in the real world, even if this is in front of the television. (Hint: Partner, remember to use positions so as not to block the view of the screen) |
HEMORRHOIDS:
A nagging problem that can deplete the physical and psychological resources of the CP athlete. Not to be underestimated as an undermining influence in the personal performance of the CP.
| CAUSES: | Long periods sitting on the couch, particularly in the “hunchback” position. The condition can be exacerbated by hanging on too long, when the call of nature has become a shrieking cry for help, rather than missing the action, and straining heavily during referee decisions that don’t go the CP’s way |
| TREATMENT: | Cream rubbed into the affected area. These are available over the counter at chemists.
Keep the liquid intake up. |
| PREVENTION: | Mental discipline to get up and take a time out. Counselling on the importance of the bowels can be useful and hypnosis can help the hardened CP get his life flowing. |
MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION:
A very serious problem.
| CAUSES: | Excessive excitement especially when mixed with incredulous disbelief or anger. E.g. Australia beaten by Iceland in an Aussie Rules International,
Shane Warne felled by an orange thrown from the crowd in Pakistan and then sent off for littering with intent to fix the match. |
| TREATMENT: | Loosen the collar
Lie down Change the channel immediately ( Hint: This could make it worse, be prepared to quickly change back) Call a health professional immediately |
| PREVENTION: | Anger management
For men, watch only women’s sport. |
PERSONALITY PROBLEMS:
A complex area, difficult to treat as the CP who has developed these problems will usually be in denial.
| COMMON PROBLEMS: | Depression, particularly after a string of unfavorable results,
Fixation, with a particular sport or sports person, where the CP victim will talk of little else, Alienation, where the CP will lose all ability to communicate with the real world other than through sport, Truman syndrome. This is described for the first time and describes the condition where the CP actually believes they are on the team, offering instructions all the time on what is wrong with the play etc and what action the sports person or team should take. |
| CAUSES: | Unclear as to why some CP’s have a healthy interest in sport and others cannot detach themselves from the action. |
| TREATMENT: | Friends and partners very much assist in making the initial diagnosis. Is it possible to make real contact with the CP? A dedicated sports psychological health professional is required once the mental abyss has opened and the CP has fallen in. Hypnosis, medication, desensitizing treatment where the CP is asked to imagine a minute without the TV sports and learn to cope with the feelings, then moving onto a fifteen minute period etc until a whole hour or longer can be tolerated, electric shock treatment are all modalities that may need to be explored. |
| PREVENTION: | Join the Amish
Take up mountaineering Compete in the solo round the world yacht race. |
PRESSURE SORES:
Pressure sores can be a very difficult problem to fix in the dedicated CP.
| CAUSES: | Skin covering the bony parts of the body such as the olecranon of the elbow, the heel, the sacroiliac spines of the lower back, can with the pressure of long periods on the couch or bed, become limited in circulation leading to a breakdown of the flesh. This leads to an open wound which because of the position and cause, is very difficult to treat. |
| TREATMENT: | Get the CP with pressure sores to change position on the couch to relieve the pressure on the affected area and treat with antibiotic solution and the routine wound care treatments.
Spousal interference can be useful if the relationship is sound. Hiding the remote can ensure some exercise is attempted, but taking the batteries out may be required in difficult to treat cases. Faking a power blackout by flicking off the main switch could be used as an alternative. |
| PREVENTION: | Elbow pads.
Sheepskin covers on the couch or a foam mattress. Alternate between lying on the couch and sitting on the couch or lying tummy down on the floor. |
REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURIES:
If any sporting person is susceptible to RSI, it is the Couch Potato. Hands and elbows are the prime areas to be affected.
| CAUSES: | Constant changing of channels with the remote or altering the sound levels(fingers)
Repeated lifting of drinks and food to the mouth to maintain liquid and carbohydrate levels.(elbow) |
| TREATMENT: | Rest the affected joint. |
| PREVENTION: | Change hands often
Use toe to control remote Spouse to change channels for the CP. Take remote away and change channels digitally. Use a straw for fluid intake. Put all solids into the blender and blend until able to be sucked through a straw. Train spouse to feed the CP. |
SCIATICA:
Sufferers of sciatic pain will attest to the debilitating nature of this condition. Pain in the buttock(s), difficulty in sitting are crippling problems to the CP.
| CAUSES: | In the CP who predominantly sits, the foramen or nerve exit from the vertebrae, narrows causing the nerves in the lumbar region, usually the sciatic nerve, to become pinched. |
| TREATMENT: | Treatment depends on severity and permanency. If the condition is reasonably helped by standing, bed rest can be useful. In the cases of older CP’s, the relief may not come and surgical intervention may be required( Laminectomy). |
| PREVENTION: | Posture, posture, posture. The back is the framework of the body on which the rest hangs. It is meant to be straight to hold the strain. Sit upright or lie down. Installing a ceiling TV may be useful.
Listen to radio sport. |
STRAINS:
The active couch potato, doing the best that he or she can as every dedicated sports person does, will surely suffer some form of strain at some stage in their career.
| CAUSES: | Too much of a good thing! Eye strain, too much watching. Back strain, too much jerking around and gesticulating. Finger strain, too much changing channels to keep up with all of the sporting codes. Arm strain, too much liquid and carbohydrate intake. |
| TREATMENT: | Rest the affected region. A hot water bottle placed over the area if a warm bath cannot be used if this is outside of the viewing zone, can bring relief. |
| PREVENTION: | The modern sporting gladiator must build a regimen of intense activity and appropriate relief from the stresses and strains of the sporting battle.
Be tough, be man or real woman, be staunch and sometimes let others take up the battle. Take a rest. You can’t do it all on your own. |
Liked it
3 Comments
As soon as i get a spouse i will be able to continue my career as a couch potato,thankfully dont have the haemorrhoids yet,but workin on it.
I love this article! The combination of humor and bizarrely true facts makes it a very witty and histerical read all in one!
I did not like it…I loved it. That is me to a tee. Very funny and very clever..take a bow