I intend to use the term vacation only twice in this article, and that is to announce explicitly, forcefully, and with hard won authority that a trip in which one visits their family is not in any way a vacation.

Having recently returned from such an excursion, it is my hope to help those heading out on a trip in traversing the misery that must arise on such visits. Failing that, I hope to offer a warning. Not a warning that these adventures should be avoided, visits are a necessity as part of a loving family relationship. However, anyone planning such a trip back home especially if it’s your first one, should be aware that no matter how much money they spend, where they stay, or how long they spend attempting to see as many people as possible they will inevitably fail their entire family in some way or other. Leaving them to return to their own life depressed, disappointed and potentially ostracized from the family for the foreseeable future. All of this is apparently normal in terms of such a trip. For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, here is what you can likely expect.

• Travel: however this is accomplished it is sure to be misery. Drive or fly safely, may the road rise to meet you . . . all that. No matter how long the road or delayed the flight, prepare yourself for this to be the very best part of your trip. Just accept it.
• Accommodations: on arrival things start to get truly sticky. These aren’t just places in which you may choose to stay, rather, these are decisions usually reserved for the highest levels of politics. No matter how wisely you choose there is discomfort and disapproval around the bend! Dad’s? Sure it’s clean and has nice amenities, can you accept the constant scrutiny and worry in keeping up with your Stepmother’s freakish, over the top, obsessive compulsive disorder based housekeeping standards? Mother in law’s? Sure, it’s more relaxed but, she doesn’t have cable or an extra bathroom. Also, didn’t she tell you about a raccoon infestation the last time you talked on the phone? The only option that is truly closed to the visitor is that of paying for non-familial accommodations as this would lead to the apocalypse. Accept it, you can not stay at a hotel. You must choose between trembling in fear every time you dirty a dish, or living with raccoons. In either case you are unlikely to choose appropriately and will horribly hurt and disappoint someone.
• Auxiliary visits: since you have returned home it may seem that as a courtesy the various scattered people to whom you are related would agree on some sort of arrangement in which they could travel the short distance to meet up with you at a previously agreed upon location, preferably all at the same time so that everyone could meet up once and for all. What with you taking your precious time off work and traveling so far to be as near to them as you are. Do you still believe in the Easter Bunny too? You must drive long and far to visit each and every individual who hasn’t sent you a birthday card in the last five years, bothered to call, bothered to even forward you some stupid email. Which, frankly you were probably relieved about since the idiots never did learn to spell your name right even though they’ve been related to you since you were flipping born. Accept it.
• Substance abuse - mental illness: these lovely realities are everyone’s favorites! In the darkest hours of such a trip we can all depend on somebody to get drunk, high, or have a meltdown, thus breaking up the monotony of depression and misery induced in the rest of the hectic trip. For general drunken-stoned idiocy such as humorously slurred speech, slumping pass outs and inappropriate comments a piece of decorative glass is a nice gift. For high level drunken-stoned antics such as full on blackouts on someones lawn, arrest, or threats made against family members with whom you yourself are irritated- I like to give something in the personal care area, cologne or a nice lotion. Mental illness also has a range of gifts proportionately appropriate to the performance. Neuroses like agoraphobia and anxiety disorders are of a low order in my book and warrant no more than a thank you card. For a complete disconnection with reality though, “Jimmy Hoffa kidnapped and raised my little brother.” “Your uncle has a double who attempted to attack us!” or, “I’m not really from this planet.” a gift certificate is appropriate.

Hopefully you are now armed with all you need to know on your next trip home. To sum up, it’s hopeless, you have go go sooner or later, you will never be able to please everyone who thinks you need to please them, just stop imagining that you will have any fun at all and go. Because, in the wise (and really annoying) words of my very own father, “You complain now love but, pretty soon we all gonna be dead and you ain’t gonna have nobody to visit no more.”