First and foremost are those embarrassing skid marks revealed when you disrobe at the doctor’s office!

You refuse to admit you’ve gained a few pounds, so the elastic leaves a red mark around your waist and your legs turn blue from cutting off the circulation, which even turns off the serial rapists.

You’ve got one set of undies that are so old and out of style they don’t even show your knees.

The only way you could ever make it in Hollywood would be if they needed an extra in a Western to take a bath in a washtub — in your red longjohns.

Your love affair broke up ten years ago but you’re too cheap to thrown away the leftover His and Hers shorts because they might come in handy some day. (Hint: they won’t.)

Those panties on the floor mat of your XKE are getting pretty raunchy. Quit hoping she’ll come back to you some day. (Hint: she won’t.)

Get rid of all your undies that have autographs on them. (Hint: one is too many.)

You wouldn’t want to get hit by a bus while wearing these. (Those EMTs have a terrific sense of humor.)

You wouldn’t want to include the ripped ones in the laundry you’re sending home to Mom.