Now I may be dull, boring, grey, lethargic, overweight, oversexed but underperforming. Although I confess that I am not a certified accountant, the best classic accessory a man can have is a good wife.

I am not trying to incite inter-sex hatred because I would say the same if it were the other way around. That is, a husband can be the best accessory a woman could have. They just need a lot more training. Okay, okay, let’s substitute partner for wife or husband. Happy now?

However, there are guidelines to ensure they can attain the mantle of the classic accessory.

• During free conversation and initial introductions,get them to keep their mouth shut unless extolling the virtues of you
• Train them to be flirtatious but at the same time out of reach and mysterious
• I know they have to speak but get them to talk only in questions. This is particularly useful during longer confined periods with one person such as at the dinner table. For example, “How did you get to be such an incredibly powerful chartered accountant? What is it that makes you make breeding axolotyls, sound so fascinating? How do you make your hairpiece/wig look so natural?”
• This is simple thing, but preferably do not let them eat. If they must eat, try and steer them away from company and feed them little morsels. Maybe on the way to and from the bathroom. They can have a burger on the way home okay. Eating destroys the mystery, unless they are extremely adept at nibbling, with the emphasis on the lips moving. Eating also means less time for asking questions. If you are at a formal dinner, the soup and a morsel of bread crust are the best and only options.
• Make sure they know and use the word “bathroom” and do not use words such as dunny, water closet, bog, pissoir, loo, long drop or crapper
• This will cost you, but get them a very expensive perfume or aftershave to wear. A sensual aroma will linger long after you have left to find the MacDonalds drive though on the way home.
• The gushing adjective is in at the moment. Train them to use words such as magical, fabulous, and marvelous, rather than grouse, marvie, choice or real good.
• This is most important and one that requires a bit of work to ensure you have a workable, no risk option. Have a pre-prepared escape plan in case you or they have had too much to drink. Ensure this is littered with key “flag” type words and phrases. For example, “ Darling, the dogs need their walk”, or “We have to get up early in the morning Darling, for your charity work” Even a straightforward simple plan can work. “Darling it is important we leave” rather than, ” Jeez luv I (or you) pissed “.
• Ensure they are well versed to kiss both cheeks on arrival and departure. So European, so chic.

Learn from your mistakes and strive to improve. It is important to remember in this fashion conscious world.