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The New Catholic Confession for the 21st Century
The Catholic Church has just done a study. Sham-Wow! More and more people are telling their problems to Psychologists and Psychiatrists so there is a sharp drop in the number of confessions across the globe. After re-convening the Hierarchy of the Third Committee of the Sacred Wood of the Alabaster Ball and Socket Joint, we have determined a list of five new things coming to a confessional near you.
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- Incentives: The scientific world is bent on facts and results. Since we can not re-interpret Catholicism as being based on facts and since we can’t provide results until we all pass away, the church will be offering an incentive program. If you ask for the forgiveness of sins 10 times, the next one won’t require the reciting of ancient poetry to somehow bleach your soul. Instead you will be allowed to sing “American Pie.” But this must be done alone, in your head, and you must not think of inappropriate pictures of Marilyn Monroe while doing so.
- Size: Doctors have well appointed rooms with comfortable lounges to rest on while confessing, the church can not offer that because of budgetary concerns. But we do acknowledge that the cramped confessional booth does remind us all of the Spanish Inquisition as they were designed after the Iron Maiden. We will be opening the space up so we can at least fit a chair, and perhaps a small table for water.
- The Grate: It seems people are comfortable talking to doctors about their problems face to face. The confessional has a wooden or fabric grate which separates the sinner from the hasn’t-sinned-since-being-ordained (mostly). We will be removing the grate and replacing it with a small LCD screen that has a touch button display. You can select a)Priest, b)Deity, or c)Mr. Rogers to hear your confession.
- Frequent Sinner Lane: Rather than waiting in line behind the same old guy whining about the same old thing week in and week out, we created a separate lane for that frequent sinner. This way they have a separate place to go, can come in and get out in under a minute. Efficiency at its best.
- Option Forgiveness: At the end of the confession, your penance will be given out and then you have the option to pray all at once, over the day, or throughout the week. Be selecting the option on the LCD screen, it will print out a receipt with the prayers of your penance. In the case where you are on the Free Incentive Confession as per above, then it will print out the lyrics to American Pie.
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