In today’s society, nuclear war is not threat it was perceived as in previous years. If a nuclear war did take place however, would computers be the only thing to survive? There’s a good chance they might be pipped at the post by rats or cockroaches, but the supposedly superior human race I believe would be far behind in the race for survival. The reason being, the human heel of superiority at the top of the evolutionary tree is being snapped at by our own creation. Our implements of modern technology were designed to relieve us of boring, mundane or time consuming tasks, thereby leaving us free to pursue more pleasurable or interesting activities, and increase our efficiency, but have they became so advanced that we are now the subservient slave and they the master?

Let’s start with your friendly bank where you are a valued customer. Remember the days when you phoned the bank and some nice man or woman answered every detail pertaining to your account you wanted following confirmation of a simple password as a security check. Well no longer. Modern technology has given us the convenience of telephone banking, which rather than make life easier, makes life more frustrating and difficult. Financial inquires today consist of being subjected to a series of automated requests for approximately ten pieces of obscure information that you must not to write down anywhere under any circumstances and therefore, you find it impossible to remember particularly when you haven’t used the service for six months.

If you manage to battle your way through the first line of defense in the attempt to gather intelligence, you then encounter the next phase of the technological assault course; the range of options, which predictably have nothing to do with your enquiry. If in the fortunate event one particular option does match your inquiry, your chosen path through the technological minefield will always lead you to the technological land of limbo, where your call is placed in a queue and whether you like it or not, you’re exposed to the painful strains of what someone has the cheek to call music, which from time to time is interrupted by a monotone voice telling you how important your call is important. Perhaps I’m cynical but I believe there is a certain note of insincerity in this.

Assuming you haven’t turned into a replica of Norman Bates mother while waiting, your call is finally taken, and guess what? They can’t help you with your enquiry because they cannot access that information on the computer! What they can do is send you out a statement, no doubt printed by the same computer that won’t let them access the information you require.

In order to penetrate modern technologies defenses, some have opted for the face to face approach. Attempts to subdue the technological revolution and force it into submission is however futile, due to modern technologies sophisticated counter-attack system of telling the people who work in the bank absolutely nothing.

Certain financial establishments actually pay people to re-route queuing clients to the cash machine where the friendly computer will print you out a statement there and then. Efficient perhaps but the down side of this is you require a 21st century version of the enigma machine to understand it has anyone else observed The absolute mayhem that ensues, eventually culminating to the point where everything grinds to a halt and

lies crippled and bleeding for hours, or even days because of a computer error. Staff find themselves unable to cope as retrieving information may involve getting up out of your seat or worse, talk to another person as opposed to sending an e-mail! I’m becoming more and more convinced that computers have developed a mind of their own and do these things on purpose just to show us how inadequate we are without them.

Computers are also apparently responsible for embezzlement. Bemused by the fact that everyone else my place of employment has received their backdated pay increase with the exception of myself, I contacted the salaries office only to be told that there were not enough boxes on my computer page to permit me to receive it. Being understandably upset, I pointed out that everyone else in my department had received theirs but wasn’t I the lucky girl! Unlike everyone else, I had also received an increment that month and including my backdated pay in the same pay packet as my backdated pay would mean opening a new page on the computer and they couldn’t possibly do that for one month! So like it or not, I had to wait until the following month for the computer to release its merciless restraint on my salary.

Having this ability has encouraged the computer to slide down the moral spectrum to the depths of a murky technological underworld. During pregnancy, I arranged to freeze my gym membership fees until my period of inactivity had ended, at which time I would like it reactivated. The fairly straightforward procedure involved maintaining a direct debit payment of £5.00 per month to keep my membership open and I believed everything was plain sailing until a few months later. I received a bank statement and realized collection of the full payment had resumed. On enquiry, I was informed that the computer said only £5.00 had been collected.

My bank statement issued by the honest computer produced as evidence that the full payment had been collected exposing the criminal underworld of modern technology and it was agreed that no further payments would be taken until my stolen money was recouped. The renegade computer however, was not to be deterred in its criminal activity. The following month, I received a letter from a credit control company, explaining they were unable to collect my payment and would I please bring it up to date. I contacted my gym who claimed to be as bemused as I was and as the credit control company had sent the letter, I should speak to them and yes my call was placed in a queue, I got the music and when one of the many busy operators finally answered they couldn’t access that information on the computer! Cutting a long story short one, apparently no one had sent the letter and it therefore must have been a computer error.. So I asked for a description of the offending computer and if it had any distinguishing marks, like for example, a tattoo, so I could report it to the police and have it arrested for embezzlement and demanding money with menace.

The computers bid for world dominance has been enhanced by its infiltration into many eating establishments, thereby controlling what we can and can’t eat. Computerized ordering systems have led to many a stone faced, or stammering red faced waiting person depending on the degree of sympathy, declining your request for a slight variation of the regular menu because the computer won’t let you order it. The sad reality is this is not an excuse on the part of the server it is actually true, due to the fact that if a particular item cannot be ordered on the computer there is no way of paying for it.

Even if the customer has some insight into this particular state of affairs and offers a cash donation, the computer still has the last laugh as figures don’t add up at the end of the shift leading to accusations of overcharging or worse, if the till happens to be short as a result of revolt on the part of the employee by amending the menu in some way, the manager with no soul takes it out of your wages. Many claim that these systems prevent what used to be termed staff perks until some underhand rat bag re-named it stealing, and I suppose they have a point. But I wonder if anyone ever carried out a comparison study of profit lost through customers who eat elsewhere where they can have what they like, leave because they can’t receive a morsel until the item has been rung into the computer and they get fed up waiting, or never return because they receive nothing of the personal touch which makes dining a pleasure as opposed to a chore.

As a schoolgirl, I had a part-time job in a café where payment was simply a matter of writing a docket which was added up on a till and you handed over an adequate sum of money. In certain eating establishments, this simplistic method of payment has been replaced by the computerized version, where open a page on the computer which requests about ten items of information before you can order as much as a cup of coffee, and you go through the same rigmarole in order to render the sum total of the beverage you have just consumed.

A large number of these catering establishments have customer comment cards and I’ve often thought of suggesting they carry out a time and motion study to assess how much time is spent punching details into a computer, and plot it on a graph against customer waiting time, then decide if it really is a more efficient service than shouting through a hatch. What does amaze me though, is some of these fast food outlets can call up at the touch of a button a pizza you ordered six months ago, how many people you were with and where you were sitting in the restaurant, yet a well established high street bank with what you would imagine a more sophisticated computer system, can’t tell you how much was in your bank account two months ago.

It’s not only the catering world that has become subject to this form of technological dictatorship. This rapidly evolving piece of machinery tried to thwart my attempts to buy a new iron. With a considerable degree of effort, I managed to free an assistant from the evil clutches of a keyboard to retrieve my chosen model from the storeroom, but as opposed to rendering the price of said item at the till, I found myself being subjected to an inquisition. I attempted to explain I only wanted to pay for an iron but it to no avail as the computer needed certain details before a receipt could be issued. At the risk of sounding paranoid, I have a few qualms about such details being stored on a computer, particularly is there is a corrupt and criminal computer underworld.

Exchanges and refunds present a similar uphill struggle. A friend of mine was the victim of bar code assault when the naughty computer scanned for two family packs of crisps instead of one. The only person authorized to access refunds is the manager who of course can never be found. So the check out girl packed him off to customer services where the computer required a seemingly endless list of personal information before he could be refunded the sum total of £1.50.

I’m convinced that computers can tell when there’s a long queue forming at the till because that’s the time it decides to have a tantrum. Not wanting to pay a lot of money for clothes when nearing the end of my pregnancy, I unearthed among the sale items a pair of relatively non-hideous looking jeans with an elasticized waist and therefore had the potential to last until the happy event reached its climax. There was just one small snag; I had to pay for them and some poor, unfortunate shop assistant had given the computer some incorrect form of information and it had thrown a temper tantrum. Like most toddlers in a tantrum, computers like lots of attention which is why I believe they throw a tantrum when a large queue forms.

Every staff member available was involved in the attempt to coerce the computer back into action even the manager who had miraculously been found, and all as all its friends seemed to have joined its revolt, another till could not be opened. Despite reassurance from frantic staff that they would be with me as soon as possible, I was trying to decide if it was worth my while to stay. If I waited much longer I wouldn’t need the jeans as I would have had the baby.

I have painted a very black picture so let me say in defense of modern technology there are also the good aspects. Radar systems, digital cameras, computer images of Mars, 4D scans of unborn babies are only some of the wonders that have been brought to us via the microchip, and future possibilities seem limitless. Like most other things, technology can be used to our benefit or our detriment, for good or for bad and the power of decision rests with us. In conclusion then, here’s a final thought which may influence your decision.

A song by Hazel O’Connor called Eighth Day which was popular in the eighties, told of mankind’s wonderful achievements to the point were he built a machine which was so sophisticated, it could serve him in every way and he completely retired from the scene to a life of pleasure. The problem he did not foresee, was the machine eventually got a bit peeved with its lot in life and took its revenge by totally irradiating the human race. So a word of warning; that expensive and seemingly innocent piece of equipment you lovingly placed in a select corner of your home, that you’ve cared for and grown so dependent on, may be watching you. I say we fight back by reclaiming responsibility and become master of our own planet again, putting an end to this technological tyranny, or is it already too late?