My husband Phill got three or four teeth ripped out at a strip mall this week. He’s fine, mostly. The Vicodin, and me telling him three days off from work is like a little vacation (!!!) is keeping him quite content.

Now, really, I should have figured out this wasn’t going to go how I planned when I saw the locale of the dentist’s office….literally, in a strip mall between a nails salon and a dry cleaners. Other highlights (low-lights?) include a dollar store and a Dunkin Donuts where you get access to the bathroom via security buzzer.

In all my infinite wisdom (pun intended-HA!) I decide what better way to get our three year-old, Natalie, over her fear of the dentist than to bring her along the day Phill gets a few teeth knocked out of his mouth? I figured we’d drop him off, get a look at the office and dentist’s chair for Nat, go to breakfast, and pick him up after!

When we get there, I am told I have to stay in the waiting room the whole time, so after I argue my starving two-year old waits for no one, I am allowed five gracious minutes to swing through the drive thru of McDonald’s so Natalie can eat hot cakes in the waiting room -oh and a milk I had only then noticed was 17 days past expiration.

So once we are settled in the waiting room with our breakfasts, Phill and I ask the man at the desk a few questions about whether he is getting put under or not. When I asked if there was a recovery room for Phill to sit and get his bearings following the surgery, the guy says no. I look at Phill and say simply, “HA! You’re screwed, buddy!!!”
 The guy gets all hoity-toity and starts going on and on, “I wouldn’t say he’s screwed. The dentist doing the procedure is blah blah…awards….blah blah…founder of the…blah blah…in seven countries…more awards, blah blah.”

To which I reply, “Really? Oh, WOW! And yet, no leather chairs to recover in? Hmmmm (insert frown- face).”

Apparently I stunned the guy into admitting that they don’t have the space in the dentist’s office for a recovery room, so that’s why they cannot put anyone under.

SHOULD RETAIL SPACE BE IN ANY WAY A DECIDING FACTOR OF THE PROCEDURES DONE IN YOUR DENTAL PRACTICE?!?!?

A little more chit-chat and he then says I got a recovery room for my wisdom teeth 8 years ago because I went to an oral surgeon.  That and I probably had better insurance than what we carry now!

So once Phill got his teeth out in under half an hour & the dentist only gave him half the things he needs to recover (no antibiotic, and no syringe to clean the sockets), we were led back to the car by a nice nurse who was yelling slowly at Phill about how she grew up where we live. ” AAANNND WE STIIIIILLLL GO EVERY WEEEEKEND TO GO ROLLLLLERRRRRR SKAAAAAATING!!!!” (Um, Phill speaks English and he is only high on nitrous, not deaf…why is she yelling?)

Phill keeps trying to tell me in the car, “I aaaaaaah wyyyyyyeeeeee awaaaay”, but my first clue he is not “wide awake” is the conversation about the weather to the nurse when his mouth is chock full o’ bloody gauze! Also, when he dropped something and laughed until he drooled on the sidewalk, I knew I had to wait until he was lucid to have the talk about upgrading his dental insurance.

As for picking up his painkillers, the first pharmacy was closed and the next one had a young woman at the counter asking me when I would like to pick up Phill’s prescription for Vicodin…as Phill is crying and drooling behind me and Natalie is having a tantrum. “NOW! Honestly? Look around you, I need it now!”

I might have to wait a long time before Natalie will come around about the dentist thing now, too.

Brush and floss, kids!