What kind of top 10 list can help a man’s overall health and well being? It could be about the heart. Prostate exams? Something else threatens almost every man in the world. What could it be?

The Top 10 Things NOT to Say to a Menopausal Woman

That’s right…every man will at some time in his life experience the Menopausal Woman (from now on referred to as MW). Whether it is his mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, neighbor, or (gasp) “the wife”.

10. Why are you crying? MW’s have no idea why they are crying. You asking about it, pointing out that she has no control over her tear ducts, will only result in an increase of salty drops running down her cheeks. From there it goes even further downhill. Now, the nose is running, the face is blotchy, and she is, probably, in a public place for all to witness her not so shining moment. This is where you hand her your clean handkerchief and turn away. Yes, you are required to carry a clean handkerchief or tissue at all times.

9. There, there, it will be alright. No it won’t be alright. It won’t be alright for 1 to 25 years. MW’s know this and false hope can only result in more of 10. Maybe, if you’re new to the MW, you should carry a lot of tissues at all times.

8. Can you try to be rational about this? (Whatever “this” may be) No.

7. Why are you so angry? Because Mother Nature has decided to play with the MW’s hormone levels in ways that make it possible for her to make mountains out of molehills. MW’s have an excuse to blow and they shall use that excuse to its full potential.

6. Damn, you’re sweaty. That’s because a MW’s internal temperature has reached, a previously unheard of, 211 degrees fahrenheit. Humans are mostly made of water. Water boils at 212 F. That statement will result in the final degree that will allow the MW to boil. You can guess what… or should I say who…the MW will boil.

5. My mom wasn’t ever like this. Yes, she was. You were just away at college, to busy partying, or a combination of both when she was. Maybe, if you were lucky, your father or some other brave soul took the brunt of it leaving you to believe that your mother was Donna Reed. (If you don’t know Donna Reed look her up…I’m not explaining it)

4. Why are you so tired? Well, gee…thanks for asking. The MW has not slept an entire night for months now. She enjoys waking up in a pool of her own sweat, making it necessary for a 2 a.m. shower and a change of bed sheets. Yes, MW’s have gotten good at changing the sheets underneath you, while you snore blissfully on. Better yet, remember all those times you woke up and the MW was sleeping on the couch? That’s because she couldn’t roll you over, gave up and found other refuge.

3. Geez…how long does this last? Referring back to 9, it lasts for one to 25 years. Yes, this could be how the end of your natural life will be. Wait, as soon as you have an MW in your life…everything “natural” will be gone. Your MW will not feel sorry for you, know this now and you may save yourself from another 1 degree trigger.

2. What do you want me to do about it? MW’s do not want you to do anything about “it”. MW’s want sympathy, a clean tissue, and the understanding that she is not in control of what may be happening at any given moment. Look at it as an exercise in natural disaster preparedness.

..and the number 1 thing to NOT say to an MW…. Why are you doing this to me? MW’s are not doing this to you . Mother Nature is doing this to the MW. The MW in your life is the one going through hot flashes, rapid heartbeat, irritability, depression, weight gain, hair loss, dizziness, incontinence, anxiety, sudden tears, memory lapses, disorientation and the list goes on. Enjoy the moments the MW is her old self. Because the one true joy the MW has is knowing that when she’s done climbing the wall, screaming, sweating, and crying, you’ll be there to catch her with a tissue in hand.

On a serious note Yes, there are hormone treatments for menopausal women. Finding the right treatment/dosage that works takes time. And what works for a while may not work later, as the hormone levels increase and decrease. While, I have tried to instill some humor in this piece, the time frame and symptoms are facts. For those men that will, are, and have stood by their MW, I salute you. Yes, that includes my husband. He has learned to settle me in to my recliner, hand me a diet coke, tissue, and the current book I’m reading….then he gets the hell out of dodge.