What is it with the erectile dysfunction commercials? Who decided we need to educate the entire family about men who can’t get it up. I start sweating when the commercial begins on Primetime TV. I have issue with talking about erectile dysfunction at all. So why do I have to sit through a commercial about such a “touchy” subject?

The commercial always starts with a couple thinking about getting into the bedroom when something happens and they never make it there. Hey, that’s life isn’t it? I’ve had many a time where the ring of the phone, the call of a child, the ice cream in the refrigerator or the turning of the door knob interrupts what the commercial calls “The perfect moment.” Then my husband turns to me and says, “Don’t worry honey, I still have six hours left so let me go and fix the water faucet before I get back to you.” Yeah, that’s going to happen. I’d be offended that the water faucet is more important that my luscious body. I’m sure the pills are expensive so I’d better get a BANG for my buck. In our house when my husband starts down the road of “emergency home repair” it usually lasts longer than six hours.

Then I start to think about the commercials. I’m annoyed when my 6 year old sings the “Viva Viagra” song as he walks through the house, but more annoyed that these commercials are not REAL PEOPLE. They are sitting at the piano laughing with glasses of iced tea in front of them. This is not my house. In my house we are sitting snoozing in front of the TV with empty wine glasses in front of us. Any who has the energy after a week of work, activities, and The OReilly Factor to take advantage of that 6 hour window? Who walks out into the middle of no where and sits in a bathtub that’s obviously too small for them holding an umbrella? Is there water in those bathtubs? If there is, how did the water get up to the top of the cliff to bathtubs that obviously don’t have plumbing because THEY ARE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE! If these people had to lug hot water up to the bathtubs for this moment of intimacy I can guarantee you that they are too tired to use their six hours! I once had to lug gallon after gallon of hot water for a portable hot tub and believe me when I finally got into it I almost fell asleep!

Oh, and of course if you are sitting in a bathtub with an umbrella over you, you’re obviously “in the mood.” Mood for what? That? Well, where are you gonna do it? I’ve done the Circe de solel performances in small showers, how would both of you fit in that small bathtub, especially if there isn’t any water in it. Anyone with a normal weight probably would have problems sticking to the sides of the tub when, well never mind. And if they are not lugging that water themselves, then there’s someone around so there’s no privacy anyway.

Then we move to the last of what feels like 10 minutes of the commercial. All drug commercials do the same thing, they list every side effect for the drug. The ones with the erectile dysfunction drugs crack me up. They start by saying that the drug may not be for everyone – no shit, there may be a few wives out there hiding the drug from the husbands to preserve their marriage. It mentions that you should talk to your doctor before taking Cialis, you should also talk to your wife. If she’s happy with the current situation you may only need to spend money on good wine. Or don’t even go to the doctor, just take the kids out and give her a break and see what wonders that does for your sex life.

Cialis starts with the usual disclaimers, about what medicines don’t work with their drug. Then they move into the ones that catch my attention. Don’t take Cialis with Heart attack drugs as it could cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. No duh! The blood moves away from every other non essential part of your body to support your little friend for the 6 hours it needs it. Light headedness could occur because the blood is rushing from your head, or it could be that you’re finally getting it after all this time.

Another side effect is dizziness and blurred vision. This statement tells me that everything my mother says is true. You can actually go blind from it, you know, playing with your friend when no one is looking. The precursor to going blind of course is blurred vision, remember that you don’t see the world correctly with blurred vision or it could be the alcohol in that nice bottle of wine.

It tells you not to drink alcohol in excess with Cialis. Why? What side effect? It doesn’t mention but I could finish that statement with because pregnancy could occur. If you’re busy for 6 hours and there is alcohol involved I’m sure someone probably isn’t being precautious.

Finally we get to the big one. If you have an erection that lasts over 6 hours seek medical attention. How is that conversation going to go at the emergency room?

“Uh Doc, I’ve got a boner that won’t go away. I’m having a little blurred vision too from trying to make it go away.”

If I were your wife and you had an erection that lasts over 6 hours, I’m not driving you to the emergency room. I’m running away as fast as I possibly can. You can bet that I’m not running toward those bathtubs out in the middle of no where.

So the next time my son is singing the Viva Viagra song or asks me what an erection is from the Cialis commercial, I’ll tell him that I’ll explain when he gets older. And no, we’re not going to put a bathtub in the backyard because it looks like fun.