Like you all I’m getting a bit fed up with all the doom and gloom that we seem to see everywhere at the moment. Whether I’m reading, watching TV or listening to the radio it’s all about the downturn in business or about the mess a certain uninvited Prime Minister has caused or better still how we’ll all become bankrupt and homeless once our fixed rate mortgage deals end later this year.

Things started to look up last week with our mini heatwave, we were the hottest country in Europe for one day but you can be sure that’s it now, our summer is over so if you’re still pale after last weeks weather then I’m afraid you’ll have to stay that way until next years week of sunshine. Last year you may have not bothered worrying about missing “tan week” as I now call it as we would have had our 2 weeks in the med to look forward to but alas this year with our houses being repossessed and the price of fuel making it too expensive to drive to the airport let alone board a plane to Spain we must now stay a whiter shade of pale!

I recently looked through a few old newspaper stories that had tickled me in the past and I really hope that sometime soon under the cloud of despair we all live under that similar incidents will occur to cheer us up. Do you remember the story of the woman who was shopping in Asda somewhere in deep Wales who fainted? No it wasn’t due to heat during last years tan week, she was wearing a vibrating pair of leather passion pants that got her so excited she fainted and an ambulance crew had to remove said item to bring her round.

Or how about the 17 year old lad in Idaho who after viewing a DVD of American Pie decided to bake an apple pie and start making love to it just like the movie, however the young lad didn’t wait for the apple pie to cool down and his pecker was therefore severely burnt. We all know how hot that apple pie filling can be from Mc Donalds and I can imagine everyman reading this is now crossing his legs and experiencing phantom sympathy pains!

My personal favorite was of a man who whilst on holiday in Croatia took a dip in the sea, I believe it was early summer so the sea temperatures hadn’t quite peaked and the usual testicle reducing implications were instant. He retired to a wooden slated deck chair to soak up the sun, his testies when cold had gone between two of the slats and after warming up had become trapped, ouch. Can you imagine the embarrassment of getting your nuts cut free from a deck chair on a packed holiday beach?

Maybe things aren’t that bad after all, yes we may all be homeless by Christmas but we’ve still got our tackle in place, anyone fancy an apple pie?