More lines I’d like to see in print:

1. Sammy turned on the light in the kitchen and dropped the revolver to his side. Panic set in. A black and orange heap lay on the floor in a puddle of blood. The heap moved a bit and lifted up a paw, holding a bowl of frosted corn flakes.

A great head labored to come up and meet Sammy’s eyes, “They’re Grrre-at!” said the mound of flesh.

Reality suddenly sunk in for Sammy. The burglar he had shot in the dark had turned out to be Tony the Tiger. He had forgotten that this was to be the day they would get up early, dine on frosted corn flakes and have outdoor adventures.

2. “I hope you’re wearing your diaper today!” said Bill as he raced in front of me with the four wheeler. “We’re gonna hit some pretty insane stuff here!”

We were playing follow the leader on our ATVs and it was Bill’s turn to lead. I was a bit crestfallen.

“Dang Joe, don’t look so excited. Whats wrong with you?”

“Sorry Bill, its just that…well, I forgot to wear my diaper today. Okay?”

3. Jerry looked around the locker room only to notice that everyone was staring at him, some laughing even. He glanced over his shoulder and in the mirror saw the reason for the stares. In his haste to get ready this morning he had accidentally put on a pair of his sister’s pink panties instead of the usual tighty-whities.

4. I was sitting in the bathroom stall at work trying to put last night’s burrito behind me when I noticed some new graffiti on the door. It said, “For a good time call 1-515-555-0998.”

As a joke I pulled out my cell phone and decided to give it a ring. A woman answered.

“Hello?”

“Yeah…uh, I guess I’m looking for a good time. Whatcha wearin you little slut?”

“Who is this? Gary is that you playing some joke on me?”

I dropped the phone, farted a bit, and tried to comprehend the situation. I had just propositioned my own mother.

5. It had been a slow day on the ranch, so when I saw that the cattle had gotten out I decided that the boss wouldn’t mind me going into the house and getting him to help even though this was the time of day when I wasn’t to disturb the man. I figured since he was getting on in years he just needed to have a nap in the afternoons. Well imagine my surprise when I walked into the kitchen to fetch him only to find the old man at the oven putting in some cookies dressed up in a miniskirt and high-heels.

6. The preacher asked for a moment of silence to honor the dead. As the congregation was in silent contemplation he reached under his podium for his bible to read a few verses. Getting on in years though he had grow quite clumsy and dropped the tome to the floor with a thud that could be heard throughout the church. Quickly he bent down to retrieve it, but in doing so, lost control of his bowels and let loose a tremendous fart that echoed throughout the pews.

8. Everyone else in school was a bit surprised that Ms. Habersmash had gotten herself killed in a drunk driving accident. I, however wasn’t too awfully surprised. I figured the old broad had started hitting the bottle a while back. Take the last paper she had handed back to me. On the top she had given me a very big “F” and underneath had written, “You are perhaps the biggest imbecile I have ever had in my classroom. It makes me sick to realize good money is wasted on you. This is THE worst paper I have ever seen in my entire thirty-one years of teaching. You would have gotten a better grade if you had handed in nothing at all. A true dumbass you are Mr. Timmy Galloway.”

So like I said, I wasn’t too surprised that she died in a drunk-driving accident.

9. As if the physical wasn’t bad enough the doctor made it worst by asking me to pull my pants down further. He must not of noticed (along with another major detail) that my pants were presently around my ankles.

10. My little daughter had just learned the word poop and had been using it whenever she could.

“You smell like poop.”

“That looks like poop.”

“I have to poop.”

“Doggie goin poop daddy.”

Anyhow, it was all quite funny. I even encouraged it because I thought it was a little cute. However one day my Mother-in-Law paid us all a visit on a Sunday and had come straight from church. She was always buying these weird looking hats that had all sorts of stuff on them, beads, sequins, feathers, even plastic fruit. When my daughter saw her that day she immediately asked, “Grandma, who pooped on your hat?”

If you thought this pointlessness was fun you might like these other articles of mine that draw upon the same vein:

Lines I’d Like to See in Print

Lines I’d Like to See in Print 2