Signs Your Friend is Retarded

1. He has the inclination to groom the carpet
2. He thinks he has a tail
3. He affectionately refers to his refrigerator as “Sir”
4. He serves his television spaghetti at precisely 2:03 p.m. every Thursday afternoon.
5. He believes the Loch Ness Monster lives in his toilet
6. He is totally obsessed with marshmallows
7. To make peanuts he mixes chickpeas and cashews
8. He is firmly convinced that his computer which he interprets as “The Box” is actually the reincarnated form of Pee Wee Herman who he thinks died of extensive diarrhea after one of his shows
9. He thinks a leopard is a type of orange juice
10. He tests the bathtub for sharks with his rubber duck

Things You Don’t Want to Hear at the Doctor’s Office

1. “ Oops.”.
2. “Is that his heart or his nose?”
3. From the person next to you in the waiting room: Achoo! “Oh don’t worry I think it’s just the plague.”
4. “Quick! Quick! We have to get the mustard out!”
5. A door sign that says: “Road kill Wing”
6. “Where’s the scalpa-… oh boy.”.
7. “Bring me “The machine””
8. Patient: Doctor, Doctor! How long do I have to live?

Doctor: Five.

Patient: Five what? Months? Years?

Doctor: Four, Three…

9. “Will this hur- AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
10. “Hey Doc, what’s this for?”

         “Oh yes. We call that “The Extractor”!!!!!!”

Inventions That Will Revolutionize The World

1. Liquid Chocolate Chip Cookies
2. Beaver-meese
3. Books that read themselves
4. A drill for really tiny things
5. Decent healthcare
6. A machine that locates the socks eaten by your dryer
7. Play sets for children featuring miniature nuclear bombs
8. Fungus people
9. A pill that causes you to fart a jet of flame
10. A combination nose picker, ear cleaner, page turner, ukulele tuner, gum chewer, dragon slayer, sandal maker, low-to-no budget movie producer, low cost immigrant worker from Mexico, brownie maker, ant the piece de resistance-monkey entertainment machine. Bitchin’.

Roller Coasters You’d Better as Hell Not Get On

1. Cows: The Ride!
2. Anything with the sign “YOU WILL GET WET (NOT WITH WATER)”
3. Dracula’s Terminated Happy Feet Fortress
4. Target Practice
5. Too Much Disney
6. REALLY Realistic Car Chases (with new flamethrower chasers)
7. Crashing Cars (Fuck you, Bumper Cars!)
8. Everybody Loves M80’s!
9. It’s a Small World
10. Life Insurance Not Taken

Things That Will Never Look Good On Medieval Coats of Arms

1. Ice cream
2. Clowns
3. Aliens
4. George W. Bush’s face (doesn’t look good on anything)
5. Jolly Rogger
6. Nessie
7. The biohazard sign
8. Flamethrowers
9. Motorcycles
10. Napoleon Dynamite

Things You Don’t Want to Hear on the Other Side of an Interdimensional Portal

1. Greetings weary traveler! Welcome to the Land of Hail the Size of Minivans!
2. Bill! We got another bogie
3. Morg! Herkinog denb ginh! Firdtiye nitir wala wala!
4. All Hail Supreme Overlord Cuddly!
5. Oh my God! I have done it! I have found Carmen San Diego!
6. Hello. Do you have your gas mask and rebreather?
7. Oh thank God you’re here. The nuclear waste is in the toilet.
8. Does this look infected to you?
9. Kill it!!! Kill it!!!
10. I didn’t do it! Please don’t take my kidney!

Things You Never Want to Hear Over an Airplane Intercom

1. This is your friendly captain speaking and WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
2. Welcome to flight 1243 to Los Angeles, California. My name is Captain Scott and I don’t know how to fly a plane.
3. You may now turn off all cell phones, two way pagers, and electronic devices that give you communication to someone who can stop me. I mean please turn off all electrical devices.
4. We may be expecting some slight turbul- ladies and gentlemen please stick your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye
5. Stop touching my wheel, man!
6. And if you look out your left window you can see the Gulf of Mexico. And if you look out of the right side of the plane you can see that the right main engine is going it a catastrophic failure.
7. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. THWACK!
8. What does this button do? Click AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
9. Ow. Ow-ow!
10. “Oh my God!” “I told you.”