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No Page Three Girls in My New Soaraway Sun on Sunday Says Murdock

Published by observer1 in Humor
February 17th, 2012

"This is a new super serious Sun on Sunday – so Page three girls will be on Page 33." In an exclusive interview Rupert pours his heart out and reveals the tragedy of phone hacking but looks to a bright new future. "You ain’t seen the last of Ole Rupe," he says as wife Wendi checks under the table looking for custard pie throwers.

“You ain’t seen the last of Ole Rupe,” Murdock says as wife Wendi checks under the table, looking for custard pie throwers. “Don’t trust you Brits,” she says.

“Shush Wendi, we’ve got to be polite. Don’t you know the police are hacking our phones. Absolute bl**dy disgrace. Still we’ve got through worse. What about the time John Prescott said he was coming round to lay one on me, Tony Blair had to lock him in his office.”

I ask him what he thinks about his journalists turning to the union for help, after all the time he’s spent bashing unions round the world. “No problem son, I’ve got nothing against unions. You don’t want to believe what it says in my papers, absolute cobblers most of it but people love a bit of union bashing, so I go along with them.”

“How will the Sun on Sunday be covering the Queens Diamond Jubilee,” I ask. “You haven’t been a fan of the Royal family so far.”

“The Queen? God bless her I say. The new Super Soaraway Sun on Sunday will be running exclusive stories from the inside about what goes on in Buck House when she starts on the gin. We’ve been bugging the phones. Oops! That’s off the record son or we’ll have to send the boys round.”

I ask him about the phone hacking. “I was totally devastated when we got found out. Oops! There I go again. I was totally devastated when I found out what had been going on. Never should have happened, but I can’t be everywhere at once.”

“Your journalists seem to have got on well with the police,” I say. “Will the new Sun on Sunday be keen on law and order, longer jail terms, tougher jails that sort of thing?”

“What, are you mad?” says Rupe. “Some of my boys are looking at long sentences if it all goes wrong. I think maybe we should have a new kind of jail for Sun journos, where they can keep in touch, conjugal visits, that sort of thing. Would make a good exclusive too. Make a note of that Wendi. Course everyone’s guilty till proved innocent. Oops Again! Wrong way round. My boys are innocent, I’m going to pay their legal fees. If that OJ Simpson can get off so can my boys.” 

I ask when the new paper will be launched and for the first time he’s not sure of his facts. “Got a lot of work to do first,” he says. “But make no mistake – it’s going to be a sensation.”

The new super Sun. Just when you though it was safe to go out on Sunday.

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  1. Posted February 17, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Rupert Murdoch is an asshole – pardon the French!!!
    Would touch a newspaper of his.
    Still…I loved your write-up. You’re blossoming into a star journalistic writer.

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