Hello retards out there, I’m a handsome fine tipped ballpoint pen, and for your information, if you’re reading this, you’re definitely a retard. Because technically, ballpoint pens don’t talk! Well…but I’m writing this out, but still, ballpoint pens aren’t supposed to have a mind of its own. So why are you actually reading this? That me, a ballpoint pen wrote? Maybe because it’s a figment of your imagination? Or maybe…ballpoint pens do have a mind of their own…I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Okay, cutting the boring crap, and moving on to the supremely interesting part, all about ME! This wonderful, lovely, cute minus ugly, handsome, perfect, whacky, lovable, ballpoint pen! Ready? I’m sure you’re all excited! I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear about me? I’m basically everything one could wish for! And this ought to be the most exciting story ever written down! About ME of course…and slight plans for world domination too…oops…did I just say that? What ever came over me to say “world domination”? Hehheh…Ballpoint pens, or PENS as well, don’t have minds of themselves right? How could they even plan for world domination?

Look! You made me digress…how could you do that? Oh well, I’m sorry, I’m sure you must be longing to hear about the marvelous, wonderful, fabulously fabulous, ME! Hahahaha, it’s tough to be popular sometimes, always wanted, yea…but for you my dears, just for you, I’ll do it! Now, back to where I was? About me? Oh yes, I’m marvelous and fabulous, but I’m humble…so I shouldn’t boast about myself yea…about how great I am, and how I can do basically EVERYTHING? Well…yea…I shouldn’t boast…aww, you say I’m great? Not really…(blushes, well I’d blush if a pen could…) awww…well…if you insist then, I guess I must be…

So anyway, as I was saying, all about me, and my ever exciting, ever wonderful life! Let’s see…hmm…where should I start? I mean, my life has SO many wondrous moments I’m sure you guys, my dear fans, would like to hear, but which should I start with? I don’t want to take up too much of your time…really, I don’t…it’s not a bother? Really? Are you all really sure you want to hear about my whole life? Nah, it’d probably bore you…and I’m not up to it…Why, I’m fabulous? Thank you very much, you know, because you guys are soo sweet, I’ll do it just for you, although don’t think I’m that great okay? It’s just…I guess I’m lucky? Aww…fine…I’m a great pen, a great BALLPOINT pen…you guys rock, but of course not as much as I do!