Hello retards out there, I’m a handsome fine tipped ballpoint pen, and for your information, if you’re reading this, you’re definitely a retard. Because technically, ballpoint pens don’t talk! Well…but I’m writing this out, but still, ballpoint pens aren’t supposed to have a mind of its own. So why are you actually reading this? That me, a ballpoint pen wrote? Maybe because it’s a figment of your imagination? Or maybe…ballpoint pens do have a mind of their own…I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Okay, cutting the boring crap, and moving on to the supremely interesting part, all about ME! This wonderful, lovely, cute minus ugly, handsome, perfect, whacky, lovable, ballpoint pen! Ready? I’m sure you’re all excited! I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear about me? I’m basically everything one could wish for! And this ought to be the most exciting story ever written down! About ME of course…and slight plans for world domination too…oops…did I just say that? What ever came over me to say “world domination”? Hehheh…Ballpoint pens, or PENS as well, don’t have minds of themselves right? How could they even plan for world domination?

Look! You made me digress…how could you do that? Oh well, I’m sorry, I’m sure you must be longing to hear about the marvelous, wonderful, fabulously fabulous, ME! Hahahaha, it’s tough to be popular sometimes, always wanted, yea…but for you my dears, just for you, I’ll do it! Now, back to where I was? About me? Oh yes, I’m marvelous and fabulous, but I’m humble…so I shouldn’t boast about myself yea…about how great I am, and how I can do basically EVERYTHING? Well…yea…I shouldn’t boast…aww, you say I’m great? Not really…(blushes, well I’d blush if a pen could…) awww…well…if you insist then, I guess I must be…

So anyway, as I was saying, all about me, and my ever exciting, ever wonderful life! Let’s see…hmm…where should I start? I mean, my life has SO many wondrous moments I’m sure you guys, my dear fans, would like to hear, but which should I start with? I don’t want to take up too much of your time…really, I don’t…it’s not a bother? Really? Are you all really sure you want to hear about my whole life? Nah, it’d probably bore you…and I’m not up to it…Why, I’m fabulous? Thank you very much, you know, because you guys are soo sweet, I’ll do it just for you, although don’t think I’m that great okay? It’s just…I guess I’m lucky? Aww…fine…I’m a great pen, a great BALLPOINT pen…you guys rock, but of course not as much as I do!

It all began when I was born, out from the factory of course, with all the other pens. Hey! Don’t go thinking funny thoughts, I might look like them, but I’m special, special okay? I’m different from the rest, I’m way better, I have class! They’re all just common, pesky little pens. So anyway, after I was born, they knew I was special, and placed special blue ink into me. The rest just got plain, normal blue. How do I know it’s different? Gut instinct my dears, gut instinct. So we were all carted off to the shops, the pens which I shared a carton with should be honoured you know? Being with me? Someone…or more like something akin to royalty? Oh? I am royalty? Why thank you, but not really…oh…fine…I am royalty, happy now?

So, anyway, we were carted off to this shop, sweet shop it was, I suppose it was specially chosen for me, and all the other pens were my royal subjects yea…Day after day, I stood gleaming, shining out upon the others around me, but the others got bought…who cares anyway…pathetic beings are made for other pathetic beings…I was meant for better! Maybe I was saved to be bought by someone grand! The president, or the prime minister, or maybe a king! Or a prince who’s going to school…yes, that’s probably it. I didn’t want to be touched by those commoners anyway, I was glad none of them even tried to. They must have seen and known my power the moment they entered the shop, and obviously feared me.

One day, a fine young man picked me up, the moment I saw him, I knew he was meant for great things, even if he wasn’t royalty, he was, for sure, going to do something great which would make him famous, one day, probably soon! He purchased me, lucky guy he was, having such a fine thing like me with him…I was sure as well that he could help me with my conquest for world domination! Oops? Did I say “world domination” again? I meant to travel the world! See new sights, and have people worship me! What? Oh thank you, that is pretty obvious yea? So on I’ll sail to greater heights with this young man at my beck and call, to a brighter future!