This document may very well be the most important and meaningful one that I’ve ever typed – I intend to make an attempt (surely a vain one) to end the constant dispute between the two most famous imaginary cliques – Pirates vs. Ninjas. As you read this, you probably think that I’ll type about how stupid it is to claim to be one of the aforementioned historical (or maybe now considered “mythological”) figures, and to wage constant, meaningless, and increasingly amusing (possibly only to those listening) arguments with the opposing figure. If you are, have been, or were thinking that, you are or were wrong. My intent is to justify my belief that the Ninja is FAR more superior than the Pirate (I’m capitalizing the letters in the beginning of those words because they are cliques, which is just a fancy word for a label). Let’s begin, shall we?

First of all, anyone can be a Pirate. All you have to do is stop showering, stop shaving, cut off your leg and replace it with a stick, talk to a bird (real or imaginary, I’m sure a lot of Pirates are insane and just think that they have birds) that you carry around on your shoulder and probably shits all over you, burn all of your clothes (probably for heat because Pirate ships don’t have heating) except one outfit (the most torn up one), get your hands on an old, beat up fishing boat, and haul a couple of cannons on board. Now, if you’re a filthy retarded ape with no regard for your own personal hygiene (AKA, a Pirate), this doesn’t pose much of a problem for you. Don’t start retaliating just yet, bub. I’m not finished.

Second of all, if you’re walking down the street and you see a guy with a wooden leg, a big ass knife, a bottle of low-quality rum, ridiculously long hair (especially facial), and who carries a smell only comparable to that of rotten potatoes (trust me, that’s the worst smell on Earth. Unless you come across a rotten Pirate), are you going to immediately think, “Wow! There’s a Pirate in Memphis!” or are you going to think, “Look, it’s a fucking HOBO!” If I were to ask most of you that question, you would probably say the first choice because you would be making a miserable attempt to be funny. But if you actually did encounter someone who fits that description, you would know that it were a hobo. Once a Pirate steps foot off of his ship and onto dry land, he is nothing more than a crazy hobo with a knife, a bird, and an empty bottle of rum that he is no doubt still trying to drink out of. Hobos roam the city with no place to live. Pirates roam the sea with no place to live. Hobos steal rum and whatever other posessions that other hobos may have. Pirates steal rum and whatever other posessions other Pirates may have. If you see two Pirates in the middle of a heated sword battle (an unexperienced sword battle, at that. Pirates are outlaws and live on a fucking boat in the ocean, and therefore it would be rare for them to come across someone who could teach them to sword fight), it’s nothing more than a bum fight. If you see two Pirate ships firing their cannons at each other, it’s nothing more than a large-scale bum fight. See the similarity? Good. Let’s move on.

Now, I could go on and on forever naming the countless disadvantages and indignities of Pirates (although “Pirate,” and “indignity” are synonymous in my opinion), but this document wouldn’t be complete unless I named a few of the reasons that Ninjas are infinitely superior.

I won’t lie – Ninjas and Pirates are similar in more than one way. Ninjas and Pirates are both outlaws – the difference is that Ninjas think with their brains and are not driven by greed and treachery (depending upon the clan, that is. Even so, all clans are superior to Pirates). Although most Ninjas didn’t have high quality weapons because they were outlaws and couldn’t hire good blacksmiths, they still had higher quality weapons than Pirates, and many came into posession of curved-edge swords that they would take from Samurais if they were to defeat one. They also are trained in the arts of Ninjitsu from the day that they’re able to walk to the day that they die. A Pirate is a hobo as soon as he steps on land, but a Ninja is a Ninja whether he’s on land, on a boat, or leaping across the tree canopies. Ninjas live with their clan (unless they’re freelance), while Pirates wander aimlessly no matter where they go. So go ahead, call yourself a Pirate with pride. You’re just proclaiming your ignorance to the aspects of Pirates vs. the aspects of Ninjas.