In the hustle and bustle of our crazy, daily lives, someone that we all need to watch out for is the Anti-Christ. We know that his arrival will herald Armageddon and the end of the world, so this guy is gonna be important to keep tabs on. We wouldn’t want to have an Armageddon without the big celeb now would we?

However, one really important flaw in this Armageddon plan is if the Anti-Christ forgets his job, and becomes a member of the Peace Corps, or worse, a frequent member of the AA. This would pretty much ruin a lot of the later portion of the New Testament, as well as provide a fairly boring anticlimax to the great planet earth.

If the Anti-Christ ever shows up, he needs to be told of his prophesied career as soon as possible. I mean, if he was born as a Peru sheep farmer, we’d need to spot him and throw him into the mix really early on, so he can be the vibrant, masculine, antagonist to the big man, the Caucasian-Christ. It would kind of suck to have the greatest smack down in the history of, well, history, and it’s the Caucasian Jesus we all have grown to know and love from all the Jesus media fighting an 80-yr-old with angina. That would suck big time. That probably wouldn’t even make it onto the local news, let alone YouTube.

So, if you ever spot the biblical villain, you’ll want to let him know as politely as possible, because hey, you don’t really want to be made an example of. Just let him know what his role is, and get out of Dodge. It’s simple enough.

Write a formal letter.

This is a simple step, and it will work for most locals. A mayor, accountant, or lawyer will most likely receive the letter, and most lawyers I know really appreciate formal letters on paper. It gives you a great opportunity to be extra nice and polite, as well as getting the job done. For example, my mother let me know one time that our neighbor of three blocks down was the Anti-Christ, but I don’t think she ever got around to letting him know, so he spent the rest of his life breeding cats and looking generally grumpy all the time. A formal letter would have given him the jump start he really needed.

Crop circles, or lots of paint.

Some celebrities have been accused of being the Anti-Christ, and it’s a lot harder to make sure they get the message. A formal letter would most likely get shredded by the first or second secretary, so if your target is hard to get a hold of, you’ll have to write it up in really big letters on the ground. The flat roof in a busy city works best, since it would probably get picked up on Google Maps pretty fast. If you don’t have any large warehouse roofs available, you’ll have to do a big crop circle thing. Farmers don’t really like people messing with their fields, so you’ll need to do it at night. If you do a good enough job, you can get everyone to think that it’s actually a message from the Almighty. This would be a nice plus.

Start a rumor

Sometimes to only way to get a point across is to get lots and lots of people to know first. Welcome to the Internet. I know of at least 15 politicians that are most definitely AN Anti-Christ, and it will be interesting to find out which one is THE Anti-Christ. A good way to start a healthy rumor is to go to a forum talking about our certain friend, and say, “I think he is the Anti-Christ.” Try to keep any vulgarity out of it, and just be as simple as possible. By politely bringing this possibility up, you can see if other people feel the same way. Try to get a consensus, and if it all goes well, you can get everyone to sign a petition.

Have lots of fun out there, and remember, Armageddon will get you one step closer to all the happiness that the Bible promises.