Lesson One of Privateering for Profit and Fun:

Today’s lesson will focus on the essentials of eye patches.  We will teach you the not only how to wear your eye patch properly, but also what kind of eye patch you should wear in each social situation.

Hello and welcome to Privateering for Profit and Fun!  After a few simple lessons you will be ready to go out and become a scourge of the seven seas, or at least your local wharf!  Today we are talking about an indispensable garment for every pirate, the eye patch. 

Myth

Eye patches are only for those fortunate enough to have lost an eye during a sword fight or an argument with a parrot.

Reality

Anyone can wear an eye patch; no one needs to know that you have two good eyes, besides think of the tactical advantage of your enemy not knowing you have decent depth perception.  Also many pirates use the eye patch to keep one eye used to dark conditions and switch it back and forth when going below or above decks.  The eye that is covered will adjust quicker to dark conditions when you go below deck.

The material you choose for your eye patch is far more vital than most people think.  While it may seem like a nice piece of thick wool would be comfortable but imagine it in the summer, or if you are in Caribbean.  Maybe if you an arctic pirate a wool eye patch would be preferable but let’s face it, not a lot of good pirating is to be had in the arctic.  A nice patch made of silk is the way to go if you can afford it.  The soft cloth is quite pleasant to wear all day.  Whatever your choice of cloth, ensure that the eye patch is primarily black.  We won’t go into the details of the pirate who made an eye patch from his girls silk drawers, let’s just say that he took a long walk off a short plank.

While it may seem that any type of decoration would suit such an important accessory as the eye patch one must be careful to not offend the sensible crew of their ship with an insulting eye patch motif.  The standard way to decorate one’s eye patch is with a skull and bones.  If you put a skull and bones on your eye patch and it happens that your captain’s nemesis uses one as well it may make him quite vexed with you.  It is our official recommendation that if you do choose to add some pizazz to your eye patch that you utilize a time honored tradition of adding a gem to it.  A large ruby in the middle can be quite distracting to your enemy while you duel him, he will be mentally spending it while you skewer him with your cutlass.  In addition if you ever find yourself low on doubloons you could always hawk it for some extra rum, you can’t do that with just any eye patch.

The preferred eye to cover is the left one if you are right handed, and right eye if you happen to be left handed.  If you find yourself being tortured for information about the whereabouts of loot and they threaten to take out an eye, be sure to request they remove the proper one.  If you happen to lose both eyes the wearing of two eye patches is acceptable, but the preferred method is one sash that is wrapped around the head, to cover both eyes.  Using this to pretend you are blind when you are not tends to upset other pirates, expect something awful to happen to you when you are discovered.

One last bit of advice; do not hide crackers or other parrot treats under your eye patch.  Your parrot is sure to search there while you are sleeping.  Now go out there and find yourself the appropriate eye patch!  This has been lesson one of Privateering for Fun and Profit!