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28 Days Later: First Draft Parody Script
A humorous take on the film. Just for fun.
Warning contains spoilers!
Image Wikipedia
Research Lab
Opens with a monkey in a research lab that is tied to a table and forced to watch 5 different series of Big Brother simultaneously,
Monkey
This is so dehumanising.
Protester’s come to free these clearly dangerous animals. Having bypassed the non existent security of this highly dangerous installation.
Scientist
What are you doing? Would you break into kennels to release dangerous dogs.?
Protester 1
Umm what possible scientific reason could you have for this?
Scientist
We are studying the damage that can be done by an overused horror cliché, in a supposedly fresh approach to the genre.
Horror cliché escapes, audience prays the film isn’t as boring as 12 monkeys.
Cut to 28 days later
In a hospital we see a naked Jim. This is the most horrifying moment of the film.
Jim wanders around a deserted London looking stoned. This seems like some good acting as he has just woken from a coma, but it is soon apparent he’ll be like this for the whole of the movie.
Director Danny Boyle
We really should have auditioned people past the first two pages of script.
Jim is rescued from zombies by Selena and Mark who take him to a hideout in the London underground. They explain whats happened.
Mark
We’ll be safe here until daylight.
Jim
But there’s no daylight in the underground. Doesn’t that make this one of the most dangerous spots in London?
Mark and Selena look at each other smacking their heads.
Selena
Well what do you suggest?
Jim
I want my mommy.
They go to find Jims dead parents then Jim stupidly risks all their lives
Mark dies.
Director Danny Boyle
I bet that shocked you.
Audience
No!
Selena
If someone’s infected you have at most 20 seconds before they change?
Jim
But how did a virus with an incubation period of 20 secs spread across the entire country. Didn’t anyone notice hoards of zombies marching down the motorways they clearly can’t drive. Thanks Danny Boyle for being less plausible than I Am Legend.
They walk around the dark streets aimlessly rather than attempting to find cover.
Jim
Look up there fairy lights.
Selena
That’s bad luck it’s not Christmas anymore.
Jim
You’re so miserable and hardened.
Selena
What do you expect everyone I’ve ever known is dead, the only good thing is that I got to kill some of them myself.
Jim
I bet I can get you all lovey dovey by the end of the movie.
Selena
Yeah right.
They meet up with Frank and his daughter Hannah. The only characters in the film which the audience cares about. They decide to go to a military blockade near Manchester in a ……London taxi cab.
Selena
Thanks this make I am legend appear clever and well thought out.
Frank
What can I do we’re on a low budget.
Selena
We could at least have taken 2 vehicles what do we do if this breaks down?
Frank
Errrr, ooooh look a supermarket.
They find a supermarket which somehow avoided a ransacking by desperate people.
Jim
This is the cleanest supermarket I’ve ever been in.
Selena
I’m just glad we have something else to drink beside fizzy drinks.
Jim
What, none of London’s vending machines have bottled water?
Selena
Shut up.
Hannah
Dad how are we going to get all this food in the cab.
Frank
Errrrrr.
They park over night in an open field. Instead of sleeping in a vehicle which they could use to outrun the zombies in seconds, they decide to sleep in the open.
Selena
How have we managed to survive this long?
They reach the signal, Frank turns into a zombie. Soldiers turn up and kill him.
Soldiers
Exterminate, exterminate.
Major West
Welcome we’ve found the answer to infection.
Hannah
How, are you a doctor?
Major west
Doctor Who, me? No. We just kill the infected or starve them.
Jim
Genius!
The soldiers hold the women prisoner and attempt to kill Jim. He escapes and has the master plan of rescuing the women with the help of all the local zombies.
Jim
What could possibly go wrong?
An erratic zombie rampages through the mansion killing the highly trained soldiers.
Selena
How did you possibly survive this long?
Soldier
Because we were clever and kept our cool in dangerous situations.
Selena
What about now then?
Soldier
Sob, Plot convenience, sob.
Hannah
Where’s Will Smith when you need him?
Selena
Right now I’d be happy with Simon Pegg.
Jim turns up instead.
Selena
Sigh, fine lets get out of here!
They escape in the TAXI CAB!
Selena
Aren’t there any armoured vehicles round here.
Hannah
Errrrr.
Cut to idyllic country setting.
Selena
Get the giant banner ready, there’s bound to be rescue planes searching the desolate countryside.
Surprisingly a search plane sees them.
Jim
Well this is a cheerful ending. I thought this wasn’t meant to be like a Hollywood film.
Director Danny Boyle
It’s a short lived happiness. No longer than 28 weeks.
For more of my parody scripts and other writing go to https://www.triond.com/users/Nathan+Grace
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8 Comments
Where did you get this? Cool like I almost watch the movie.
Haha very clever. I love Danny Boyle’s direction but that was such a dull and overrated film… except the bit with Cilian Murphy naked. Mmmmm Cilian Murphy… anyway… Very funny parody.
Thanks glad you found it amusing. I wrote it myself Amsky. Am thinking to do some more. I’ve seen them on other films and they make a good critique as well as a bit of light relief on the film.
This is good stuff, Nathan. Very funny and clever. Liked it a lot!
It has OSCAR written all over it.
I haven’t seen this film, and now I half want to and half don’t!! Nevertheless, this was very amusing Nathan
Excellent work. Your talent and education is well-represented here.
funny.. I take it you didnt like “I am Legend”?