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5 Easy Tips to Change a Flat Bicycle Tire for Girls

Published by Cerise in Satire
May 21, 2009

So you’re a female cyclist and you’ve never changed a flat tire in all the years you’ve been biking? Neither have I! But it’s never too late to learn how. And remember, aside from your helmet, the next most important thing to wear is that charming smile.

Image by Axel Bührmann via Flickr

Whether you’re a need-for-speed roadie, an adrenaline-junkie mountain biker, or a tree-hugging bike commuter, you’re riding on a thing with two wheels (unless you’re using a tricycle, a tandem bike, or you haven’t taken your training wheels off yet). Fact of the matter is, your bicycle runs on tires. And what happens to tires? They become flat. And I’m not talking about a flat tire that *you* forgot to pump before your ride. We’re talking accidental punctures here, pinch flats, and all those other geeky bike terms. So what do you do when you have a flat?

Ok, first, when do you know you have a flat? I’ve often wondered this before I got my first flat, and the answer to this is the same as “How do i know if he’s THE ONE?” You’ll just know. The ride will feel funny. It’s not smooth, handling becomes difficult, it plain just doesn’t feel right. Of course there’s also the chance you actually *heard* your flat happen. And then, if you’re totally oblivious to such things, a friendly stranger could inform you of your tire’s condition, unless you’re biking in some remote but totally jaw-dropping undiscovered locale, in which case I will say, “You lucky b*tch!” If you’re the curious one, take the air out of one of your tires right now and hop on your bike. Just make sure you’re on your el cheapo rims and not your racing carbon fiber ones!

Now that you’re surer than sure you have a flat, what do you do?

  1. Get off your bike and walk. Yes, walk. Even if you’re in cleats, even if you’re knee-deep in mud, have pity on your poor wheels.
  2. Go somewhere safe. Move to the side of the road; step away from that single-track and into a clearing; if it’s dark, step into the light. Just go somewhere SAFE.
  3. Assess the damage. Find out WHY you have a flat. If you ran over a thorn or a nail and it’s stuck in your tire, all your huffin’ and puffin’ while changing that inner tube will be for naught.
  4. Take out your tire levers, hand pump, patch kit and spare inner tube. What? You forgot to bring them? They *all* wouldn’t fit in your jersey? Oh well. On to the next tip then…
  5. Bring out that charming smile. There ought to be a guy out there with tire levers, a hand pump, a patch kit, a spare inner tube AND a willing pair of hands.

And remember now, don’t forget to say thank you!

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