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Scoof was finally near the end of his journey. He could feel it in his bones and a rising sense of anticipation was making him a little edgy. He couldn’t relax his focus or determination for even a minute or he would once again be denied his prize, and it would take weeks to pick up the trail again. Scoof calmed himself and slowed his heartbeat. He flared his nostrils scanning the breeze for the stench of the beast he knew was near. It was a difficult task for his own odour was not much fairer than that of his prey. He had not washed for months in his single minded determination.

Life was so much simpler and painless only three months prior. Scoof was at his cottage in the foothills of the beautiful Budawang ranges – where he retreated every six months or so to recoup the spirit and compose his folk music. On a day like any other he was busy chopping wood in preparation for the chill of the evening when he heard a blood curdling scream – it was his beloved boer goat. He rushed to the other side of the shed where she normally grazed and found them. A filthy troll and his abominable whore of a she troll, tearing his love apart limb by limb. Without hesitation he threw his axe spinning through the air and with a mighty force it landed and split the she-troll’s head in two. The male leaped at Scoof with incredible speed and grabbed him by the leg. He swung Scoof with an mighty strength and sent him flying into the bush and tumbling down a steep ravine.

Hours later Scoof regained consciousness; bloody and bruised. It took him a little while to get up, mainly because he had to first dislodge a tree stump from his rectum, and simultaneously fight a wild dog to the death for the right to his remaining left nad (Scoof lost his right nad in a nasty rutting incident two years earlier). As Scoof tore the heart out of the wild dog with his bare hands, he vowed to hunt that troll to the very ends of the earth. Scoof would pay whatever price was required, even if it meant his own life.

It was three months later and he had indeed nearly paid for his single minded focus with his life. He lost two toes to flesh eating ants, a finger to an eagle, and his superfluous third nipple to a Parana fish. He even had a Candirus fish swim up his urethra while he was urinating in a stream, which became lodged in his knob and caused blinding pain. He had to perform phallic self surgery with a rusty knife to remove it. He was not sure now if his manhood would ever function the same again, however he was fairly adamant that he would never want to use it again anyway. Betty had been his one and only true love, and if laws had of allowed man to wed Capra Hircus he would have done so in a heart beat.

All of that was behind him now. Seven thousand kilometres later he was now within meters of the troll and he would soon have its head on a stick. He rubbed his eyes with his finger to clear the sweat. Not having gotten used to losing that finger yet, he wiped his eyes with his other finger. He slowly sneaked out of the undergrowth of the forest he had been hiding in to get a clear shot at the spamming piece of crap. There…he spotted it. In the clearing ahead, maybe only 20 meters away. Three…Two…damnit! The wind changed and the beast smelt Scoof and began to dart off, however it stopped nearly as suddenly as it began. Scoof could not at first make out what was causing this pause so ran closer to the troll. Then he saw them. About 20 green piece hippies with banners, weed, and crappy music. The banner read ‘ Down with Scoof ‘ – ‘ Save the Trolls ‘ – ‘ Trolls are a part of a nature too ‘. Goddamn stinking meddling green-peace hippies – they were going to spoil the hunt when it was almost over.

The Troll sneered at Scoof with utter contempt, and before Scoof could warn them, the scum sucking sack of scabs charged the hippies in an fearful rage of pure netherworld hate. He began biting them and tearing their heads off. He was using the legs of one hippy to club to death another. He started making mangled hippy structures and then used hippy heads to bowl them down again. Scoof watched closely and lifted his gun. He peered down the scope and slowed his breathing. He waited until the troll had finished killing the last hippy and then pulled the trigger. Scoof sent the troll a metal love note from the grim reaper, hitting the troll right smack in the middle of his left butt cheek, thereby blowing the troll’s brains out. The troll dropped dead on the spot without even the slightest noise.

Scoof sank to his knees and began crying great sobs of relief. Finally his vengeance had been served. His relief was short lived however, for his peace was interrupted by a great noise from above. A Chinook helicopter packed with military personnel landed in the clearing behind him and with a great urgency the men bounded out of the craft and surrounded him. An officer came up to Scoff and exclaimed “Do you know what you have done you stupid bloody idiot?”. Scoof didn’t say a word – more or less paralysed with fear. “You freaking stinking puss brained moron. You have killed the last male Troll alive on this planet”. Scoof could not see the problem and simply replied “Good riddance”.

The officer continued. “You don’t understand. The key ingredient of Viagra is the sweat of a Troll’s armpit. We have hundreds of trolls running daily on treadmills with a mouldy sandwich on a stick. The stupid creatures will run all day chasing that sandwich and produce buckets of sweat a day per creature. That sweat is used to make Viagra. The problem is we only had she-trolls. We didn’t realise till today, because frankly it’s hard to tell”. Scoof replied “So what – I don’t care. I don’t want to have sex ever again anyway”. The officer was getting more and more annoyed with Scoof’s apathetic attitude. “You imbecile! The military is funded from the proceeds of Viagra. Without Viagra we can’t wage war on heathenisitic third world countries that can’t defend themselves. That though is not why I am so incredibly angry and want to beat your brains out with the heel of my boot. Without Viagra, my wife can’t get her jollys as she hangs from a ceiling fan and spins around on my wang!”

Poor military officer bloke. What’s he gonna do now via Wikipedia

With that, the military fell back, climbed back into the helicopter and flew off. Soon silence was around Scoof, and he reflected on what had occurred. Even though he had achieved his goal, his heart was empty. The pain of what had occurred flooded to his mind and he decided he could bear no more. So he grabbed his rifle and placed the barrel in his mouth. He grabbed a stick with which to push the trigger. Just as he was ready to fire his final shot he heard a noise in the distance; a faint bleating. He dropped his gun and ran like a man possessed. Tree branches whipped him across the face. Wasps swarmed and stung his back. Snakes jumped from trees and bit him in the neck, but he did not care. He had to find the noise. After about 10 minutes he found the source. A pure white angora, caught in a blackberry bush. He rushed over and helped the struggling animal to free herself. The goat turned around to look at Scoof, and their eyes met in a blissful moment of eternity. Scoof had found love again.