I think that the drink dearest in the hearts of the British people is undoubtedly tea: we love it and it loves us. For centuries it has stood by the British people on some of their most daring and stupid ventures, through the colourful blitz of world war two, when the excitable Spanish sent an Armada and it has been out greatest aid. So, in this short article, let us say thank you to our oldest and dearest comrade.

People all over Britain drink tea in a variety of different but splendid ways. The most common and familiar is from a cup, porcelain or china, usually with a handle to avoid serious damage to your fingers. Those who drink from a cup and saucer holding out their little finger when they drink, are of a high social class; those who drink from an over-sized mug are from a low; police are currently reviewing a form of criminal investigation using the size of a person’s cup to give indication to their levels of guilt.

There is however other less well established methods of tea drinking. Some have been known to smoke it whilst others grind the dried leaves into a power and snort it; personally I like to dissolve the tea into grapefruit juice and absorb it through the blood vessels under my eyes.

  We all know that tea is not just there to feed our various addictions and that it contains many mystic and scientific qualities. Often, when one feels down, a remedy of tea, milk and sugar in boiling water can solve their problems, making the issue simply vanish from their mind. A cup of tea in the morning is said to be more important than breakfast, being able to prone the mind for the day, and one before bed cleanses the bladder. I’m sure there are few people who have not had colds which have instantly vanished having drunk tea. The magic of tea does not stop here.

Scientists, having studied and observed the nature of tea for centuries, now believe that by firing sub-neutronic atomic particles can unlock the answer to many of life’s most important questions, such as, ‘What started the universe?’ ‘What good will knowing what started the universe do?’ and even, ‘Who really bothers to think about these questions?’ Tea has great and unrivalled potential.

Such a fantastic element of such superb qualities must have an in-depth and testimonial past. I’m sure none will fail to be amazed. We are actually unsure of when tea first appeared in Britain. Records suggest the first tea in Britain arrived before people, most likely voyaging in a cup, the HMS Saucerina. From here it seems tea set up a settlement on the Thames, which many researchers believe is the cause of the river’s brown tinge.

Before arriving in Britain none know from where tea comes. One popular myth is that tea is mined in Svalbard by dwarves, who work merrily and happily in small organized communes, known as ‘bags’. They are said to bag the tea and send it in the grips of seagulls to Britain.

Another known myth is much darker in nature. Some say that tea grows from the ground in warm countries where elves work in harsh conditions picking the tea from plants with their ears. From here it is taken by cruel fire breathing over lords who keep all the profit; this myth seems to me unlikely as many tea bags have been planted in the best soil but to tea-plant grew.

Either way, tea arrives from the sky, floating gently to the ground, and acting as the glue of modern day society.

Tea does not however have it all so easy. It has a wicked and cruel enemy, which pushes it from shop shelves and calls it racially abusive names; coffee is the enemy of tea. This coffee is sent from France, a dark terrible country, to take the place of tea in the hearts of the British people and so too corrupt our nation. So far tea seems to be winning but it relies on our support.

Tea is a modest person and can be shy but, should you see it in the street, please do feel free to talk. Tea can often be found in high class bars, with its friend sugar; many believe them to be in a homosexual relationship together and this is often speculated upon in stylish magazines. It was hoped that tea would stand in the last general election, but for the moment it seems content to focus on its own business without the pressure of politics.

Tea is splendid, never forget it. Keep a special place in your hearts for this special drink. Let us together raise a mug/ cup/ little finger to tea. Good British Tea.

Winston Churchill 1949: ‘Never in the field of human beverages has so much been owed by so many, to so few.’