Amateur Jackass Stunts; or, Watching Our Future Generation Hurt Themselves

After the success of the “Jackass” movies, self-proclaimed amateur young stuntmen all over the world began videotaping themselves doing horrible things to each other and their friends. With the help of YouTube, many of these pointless, usually dangerous and always stupid videos made their way onto the Internet. Case in point:

Well, at least the music in the above video was rockin’… but the idiotic teens rolling down hills, kicking soccer balls at each other, and riding their bikes into solid objects only proves the general idiocy of attempting lame “Jackass” stunts.

And yet kids all over the world continue to do so. To continue to prove my point, here is what could actually be the stupidest video on the Internet:

I should really apologize for posting the above vid, but really, couldn’t the kids come up with a better stunt than a bicycle butt flossing? Pointless, pointless, pointless. Possibly almost as pointless as the bike flossing video is this one, where a young stuntman with neglectful parents tries to roll down a playground slide while riding a toy scooter:

Notice the complete lack of safety helmet in the above video. We occassionally hear reports of teens hurting themselves by attempting “Jackass”-style stunts, but I’m surprised the news isn’t filled each and every day with grim reports of stunts gone wrong. To wit:

Supposedly the skater attempted this stunt fifteen times, fourteen of them going wrong. Again, no safety helmet. It’s like these kids are determined to hurt themselves just to get extra views on YouTube. And notice in the above video complete lack of parental watchfulness? I know if I was a father inside that house and I kept hearing some weird noise sliding down the roof, I’d go out to investigate. Where are kid’s parents these days, anyways? Oh, yes, they’re out probably buying “Jackass” DVD’s for their children to watch.

But what gets me is not so much for the potential of teens hurting themselves, but that many of the stunts they do turn out so incredibly lame:

Oh, wow. Running and jumping into a field. Now there’s real “Jackass” material. Yeeeeeesh. It’d be more fun to film me running and jumping into a field; I’m so out of shape I’d probaby have a heart attack halfway through and collapse.

Speaking of collapsing, a lot of skateboarders have taken the “Jackass” philosophy to their heart and attempt moves that rarely succeed:

Notice in the above video that actual crowds had formed to watch humanity’s offspring hurl themselves into concrete walls and floors. You think maybe someone in the crowd would pipe up, “Hey! Shouldn’t we not let our future generation maim themselves grievously?” But, no.

And the pointlessness doesn’t end with skateboarding. There’s always bicycles and, uh, barrels:

Notice the kid saying, “Please don’t make “Amateur Jackass Two”. No problem there, pal. But there will always be others to fill the positions of general idiots. Here are three enterprising youths deciding to slide down a frozen river using a table, which of course crashes.

To be fair, not only guys do “Jackass”-style stunts; there”s the rare female or two who decide to attempt a lame stunt and post the results on YouTube:

A possible contender to the pointless bicycle floss video, no? I’m not sure what the girls were attempting in that video, besides throwing themselves to the ground and acting all weird. Check out the comments section, too: “wow nice to see some people get there hands on some powerful LSD”. True, that.

“Jackass the Movie” and everything in the franchise are, admittedly, fun to watch. But emulate, no. If only our children of today had the wisdom to not attempt stunts that rarely succeed, except as a lame video and/or a trip to the hospital. Like George Bernard Shaw once said, “youth is wasted on the young”. Please, teens, when they say “Don’t Try This At Home”, they actually mean it. And if you have to do a stunt, don’t post it on YouTube. And… ah, never mind. Why do I even bother? You’re probably jumping off a roof right this moment. Crazy kids and their stunts… grumble… and their music today, it’s just noise… my back hurts, where’s my cane…