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Chuck Norris “Facts”
The sad account of a person addicted to Chuck Norris “Facts”.
Although a truly enlightening article about Chuck Norris would probably be written in a language that only a trained Chun Kuk Do artist could understand, no true Chun Kuk Do artist would ever attempt to put on paper the feats accomplished by their Dojo.
I am not a Chun Kuk Do artist (or any other type of artist), merely another pathetic being who is fascinated by the awesome hold Chuck Norris “facts” have taken on our universe.
My own participation in this phenomenon began innocently enough, with no grand design or evil intentions on my part; just a simple desire to scratch the itch of curiosity. I was new to Facebook and was trying to find some old friends. After finding one of said friends I looked over his wall to see if there was anything of interest there. Engraved there, seemingly etched in stone were the words, “There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.”
From my own mouth came first a chuckle, then a snort, and finally a burst of hysterical laughter that was probably heard for miles around. As my laughing subsided into painful sighs and I pulled myself back into the chair I wondered; “What was that all about? What was it about that simple string of words that had aroused such deep feelings of mirth inside of me?”
Wanting to know if there were others like me or if I alone was possessed with some strange disease, I called hesitantly down to my brother-in-law, “Want to hear a joke?”
From under the couch where he was hiding from whatever had made those horrible shrieking sounds upstairs he whimpered “Sure. I guess so.”
I read to him the words that had caused such irrational behavior in myself and was amazed to discover that they had nearly the same effect upon him. As he panted for breath, struggling to stand, he managed to gasp, “That’s a….good one. Did you know….Chuck Norris’ tears….can cure cancer? Too bad….he never….cries!”
To compare my first bout of laughter with the second onslaught that now overcame me would be like trying to compare stubbing my toe to being round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. There IS no comparison.
For the next several hours I pored over the countless websites devoted to this man I had previously known next to nothing about. Who is Chuck Norris? Where did he come from? How did he obtain such incredible power? Many sites placed him second only to a God. Some sites claimed that he is far superior to any being, going so far as to say that even Supreme Beings ask his permission to perform menial tasks.
By the time I went to bed I knew more Chuck Norris “facts” than nursery rhymes, sports statistics, and hit songs combined. I could tell you that his beard covers not a chin, but another fist. I had learned that Chuck Norris, and not some scrawny scientist, is responsible for deciding what time it is. I was shaken to my core to discover the theory of evolution isn’t real at all, there’s just a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live! I had even learned personal details about The Legend’s everyday life, including what he does while waiting for his order to be served while at a restaurant.
So that was how it began for me. From there it has only gotten worse. When I go into a plumbing supply store I can’t seem to pick up parts without sharing some of these “facts” with those who work there and even other customers. The same is true of the grocery store, the bank, basically wherever I happen to be. It doesn’t even stop at church. I find Chuck Norris “facts”, I read them, and then I share them with the world. It’s almost like a calling or something.
It’s gotten so bad that I even use these so-called “facts” as pickup lines. A typical scenario would go as follows:
I see a girl that I think I should get to know a little better. I make eye contact and approach the girl with as much of a Chuck Norris walk as I’m capable of. When I’m within range (usually about a foot or so from said attractive girl), I put my Chuck Norris knowledge into action.
“Do you know what the quickest way to a man’s heart is?” Here she usually responds with something silly like, “Food?” or, “A woman’s touch?” and even the oh-so-presumptuous, “ME?”
To whichever of these she chooses to use I reply in a very gruff and manly way, “Chuck Norris’s Fist!”
I have yet to get anything other than attempts at roundhouse kicks to my face from this, but I’m sure as I perfect the method over time results will improve.
As I’ve said before; sometimes I’m a little worried that there’s something wrong with me, almost as if my name passed through Chuck Norris’ subconscious thoughts and caused me to loose my powers of reason and self control. But as soon as such thoughts cross my mind someone always manages to put my fears to rest with this simple question. “Wanna hear a Chuck Norris joke?”
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11 Comments
Chuck Norris. . .now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while. Just kidding. Cute article. But why him? Why not Jackie Chan?
Pretty funny!
Wow. And I thought I was bad when I made this.
http://burnmytime.com/ChuckNorris/
Chuck Norris Jokes… err. Facts. Are funny. I still don’t quite know why it’s Chuck Norris rather than Jackie Chan or any of the other badasses on TV.
I thought I knew everything about Ol’ Chuck, but I’d never heard of Chun-Kuk-Do before. Someone as amazing as him WOULD need their own form of Martial Art.
If you look closely, Chuck Norris does indeed have a middle name. It’s just squashed really thin.
When you see a comet fly by the earth in space it is not a comet, it is a baseball kicked into space by Chuck Noris’s roundhouse kick 50 years ago.
Chuck Norris puts baby in a corner.
I win.
I’m the nº 1 portuguese fan of Chuck Norris Facts. I discovered it a few weeks ago and for me it was like, Waw! How cool is that?! I remember that all my face muscles and my chest were hurting all afternoon of the day I found it.
But my favourite facts, those who have to be made up by some genius out there, you know, the ones that I’d put on a t-shirt or something, are those like:
> Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice.
> Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
> Chuck Norris does not acknowledge the periodic table, for he only recognizes the element of surprise.
> Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
and the best one:
> Chuck Norris can split the atom with his bare hands.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
You guys think you have a big databank of Chuck Norris facts? When I finish my website (www.teensguide2stuff.weebly.com), it’ll have over two hundred Chuck Norris facts. I’ll give you guys about twenty to thirty so you can get a sample. Posted – 11/11/09 Veteran’s Day
My site should be finished in about half a month to a month. It’s gonna have a big databank for Chuck Norris (and thats only a sections of my site!), but there’s still plenty of sites with MANY more facts.
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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Some people thought the Loch Ness Monster was a plesiosaur, others an eel. Chuck Norris thought it tasted like chicken.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking and then randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
You can’t beat Chuck Norris at poker ever. He always has the better hand…and the better fist.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Also, just a note, you can just click on my post name and it’ll take you to my website.