Cocaine Longs for The 70’s, Grows Tired of Charlie Sheen

Published by in Satire
7th Oct 2011

Cocaine, noticeably agitated, was heard longing for the 70’s, while casually accessing the 80’s as “not too shabby.”

“I miss studio 54″ cocaine was heard reminiscing. “I was at my peak. I had every base covered. I had real stars back then, not the ones you see today. Today it’s a farce, reality t.v. nobodys and ‘here today gone tomorrow’ models that don’t have a magazine spread to speak of. By virtue of being found in the handbag of some 20 year old has been, I’m rendered a joke. I’m smeared on the gums of talentless trolls and it doesnt appear it’s going to get any better.”

“Back in the 70’s, I was king and it felt real good. I was a big help to everyone back then, from Disco to Prog Rock, Hunter Thompson to Gore Vidal, Farrah Fawcett and the faux Indian lady who accepted the Oscar award for fat Marlon Brando. I was behind the concept of Tab and Sanka. I helped the Rolling Stones create Exile on whatever. And I believe it was me who came up with Factory Records, though I can’t take credit for Ian Curtis’s suicide, he was just really sad about a lot of shit. I miss all of that stuff. I especially miss the unsung heroes: the jewish record producers and the sesame street puppet handlers. Roxy Music. I miss the athletes of yesteryear, with me they could win anything, but sadly today’s drug testing is too harsh on me.”

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“Today I’m mostly used as an indication of wealth and status. In the 70’s I was for everyone, the every-drug. Now I’m only seen in the manicured hands of the white collar criminal or gay fashion designer. If I do make it out of the top tier of the financially blessed, I end up in the grimy hands of the meth addict or kitchen prep Mexican. Even then I’m competing with weed, for fucks sake. It makes me sick. That dead guy from that MTV show about rich white kids who hurt themselves? He dies of just alcohol, right? Drunk driving? Back in the day it would have been a case of too much me! With alcohol as the afterthought. Where’s my fucking headline? I used to be the first one out of the satchel or ornately designed drug box. I was the first bit of fun for the night. Now I’m barely affordable…and barely pure. I’m a has been, a Gary Busey joke. Where’s Mark Harmon when I need him? I don’t even know if he ever tried me, I just miss Summer School, yo.”