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Degaussing: Computerized Meth
Find out how the seemingly simple act of degaussing a computer monitor can lead you down the dark path of degauss addition.
Image via Wikipedia
So it all started like most addicts, right? I was sitting with a friend, chilling. And he was idly poking the buttons on the front of the computer monitor. He saw something called “Degauss”. Pressing it, he expected nothing to happen. Instead, we were blinded with a trippy blast of light. It twisted, it triwled, and it shivered up and down in all the colors of the rainbow. Naturally, like most addicts, we tried to do it again, but the effects weren’t as great. Continuing to do it, we attempted over and over again, but it just wasn’t as good as the first time.
Having several other computers around, we tried it out on the other ones available. As we began to run out of computer to degauss, we were more and more worried. Help!
What is Degaussing?
For the technical explanation, visit the wikipedia article on desgaussing:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Degaussing
But practically, most degaussing is getting rid of the magnetic fireld in most TVs or computers. While most TVs and computers do it automatically, there is usually a manual way to do it. You’re on your own here though, because I don’t want any of you to go through the hell that I and this “friend” are going through at the moment.
Help!
As I write this, he sits next to me, staring idly at the word “degauss”. He realizes that if he waits for longer, the sensations will be more intense, but he can’t resist!
Degaussing is becoming a serious problem. Masquerading under the innocent cover of being a computer technology tool, it closely resembles the techniques that hardcore illegal drugs like meth and LSD use to hook the tortured souls that use them.
“The more you do it, the less intense it is”
This is the case with degaussing. As the monitor runs out of junk magnetic fields, the addict becomes nervous and anxious as he wants to feel the power of degaussing again but is unable to. If he attempts again, he will only get a very half-hearted response.
The addict goes insane, stealing and hoarding computers in his bedroom for one more colorful hit.
My friend is still next to me. He is starting to moan loudly at the very thought of getting another hit of color.
Degaussing: a gateway drug
Degaussing is not the least of society’s worries. After degaussing, many addicts move on to the fatal addictions of Position, Color, and Resolution.
When an addict has lost all hope, he may attempt to use Language or Zoom, two extremely addicting activities. The thrill of finding that one can read his monitor in German is enough to drive many to the brink of depression.
Did I mention that it is fast-acting as well? In a few mere minutes, my friend has gone from simple degaussing to trying out all the languages, one by one, sighing as the momemtary thrill of adjusting his monitor overwhelms him.
Treatment
There is no treatment.
The future of degauss addiction
This is no joke, comrades. I’ve heard that people have figured out how to degauss TVs!
I can see it now: the depressed addict sitting in a housefull of TVs, continuing degaussing eeach one in turn, watching the colors, then moving on to the next one. The novelty has worn off, but the habit remains. Why? Degaussing releases powerful anti-magnetic waves into the air, resulting in instant physical addiction.
“Degauss parties” have been occuring as well, where addicts come to “ride the waves” of color that this activity produces.
The solution
There is only one last hope for our society.
We must ban all computers, TVs, gameboys, and all other forms of screens that can be degaussed.
If you have any questions, please contact your local Monitor Settings Changing and Degaussing Addiction Center (MSCaDA).
“Ah, I just gotta get one more…”
I better make that call. My friend is getting worse and worse.
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8 Comments
Yes, peeps, there are several typos here. I promise to proofread in future. This was dashed off quickly in ~10-20 minutes.
— Vertjaars
Eh… the more I read this the more disgusted I am with the spelling mistakes.
I was on a computer without spellcheck
– Vertjaars
But Spell check leads to Grammar Check which leads to Dictionary checking… are you working in US English or with the British English Dictionary? What about they Australian or Canadian English Dictionary? Doe your system check grammar in these dictionaries? What of the thrill of language translations? How about reverse translation and re-reverse translating to double check… so very many pitfalls…
BTW #3 was me… I had my script blocker on… yet another chain of pitfalls…
OHGODNO I CAN”T STOP CHECKING SPELLING IN JAPANESE HELP
I dont’t get it?
Please explain how this can be addicting and what does changing languages have to do with it?
oops Don’t*
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