I was watching Aladdin not too long ago and found myself becoming overly involved in the shoes of its hero. Every dumb mistake Aladdin made, I found myself chastising him, asking him why he just couldn’t learn. I then realized that it wasn’t his fault: I had years upon years of experience watching Disney movies (which face it, have one plot and just change the names, looks, and sexes of their characters), while Aladdin was simply a character in one.

So instead of doing something productive with my life like curing diabetes, I sat down and filled out those all important Disney movie rules that could help someone out in situations. Once my ADD kicked in though, I just started writing rules on Disney in general. And, as a result, I present…

Everything I ever learned I learned from Disney

1. If someone looks evil, they are evil.

   I don’t care how flattering or sweet the giant singing octopus creature is. The second she starts glaring around or laughing incessantly, I’m out. The same goes for cheerful prisoners who somehow know the way out of a prison, yet they remain inside. Doesn’t something just seem a little bit off? And if a kindly old crone who looks like a toilet after a frat party offers you an apple, don’t take it. You don’t need the carbs anyway.

2. Happily ever after only happens if you’re at least half an orphan.

   Snow White? Orphan. Aladdin? Orphan. Simba? See you later Mufassa. Is anyone sensing a trend here. It would seem that the only way to achieve immortal happiness at the end of a Disney movie is to suffer immensely earlier on. Yeah. That’s real balanced.

3. All animals talk.

   Except in Pocahontas. But don’t worry, in that one the trees talk. 

4. This one is actually more of a question.

   How would the little Mermaid make babies if she remained a mermaid? Now, I’m assuming they lay eggs as fish would, which makes sense to me I guess. But imagine Ariel’s surprise on her honeymoon night when a different type of eel attacked her.

5. It takes approximately 12 seconds for Disney characters to fall in love.

   It takes less time if they make eye contact first.

6. Every mortal Disney characters is somehow connected to royalty.

   We’ve gout our princes, princesses, kings, sultans, etc. Hell, we even had the Queen of Hearts. 

7. The Disney Channel blows.

   I don’t care who is starring in the next Disney Channel original movie. Oh, wait, it’s Topanga from Boy Meets World? Scratch that, I am so there.

8. Tinkerbell’s a b*tch.

   Why do so many people like her?

9. Scar is by far the most effective Disney villain.

   Why? Because he actually has the balls to kill someone. Every other Disney villain: plot a scheme, attempt to carry scheme out, be defeated by the hero. But Scar: plot a scheme, carry out scheme, pin tragedy on the hero. What a fucking baller. I realize his crime caught up with him in the end, but he had about ten years of evil glee to go around. Well done, Scar. Well done.

10. Disney is not suitable for children.

    I don’t care if any of the “penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid/sex in the sky of The Lion King” bull is true. The fact still lies that Alice in Wonderland and even Peter Pan are best viewed as allusions to drugs (and best viewed while under the influence of drugs). Come on, eat it and grow? Spring some pixie dust and you can fly? For shame, Walt. For shame.

11. Ariel is hot.

    I don’t care what anyone says otherwise. That purple seashell bra leaves nothing to the imagination.

12. Jasmine is also hot.

    It’s probably because she’s ethnic.

13. Mulan is not hot.

     It’s probably because she’s ethnic. 

14.  “I’ll Make a Man out of You” was the last good Disney song.

    If only it had been in a better movie than Mulan…still not hot. 

15. Disney sequels are not real sequels.

    They do not feature any of the same voices, animators, or directors as the original classics. They’re pretty much just glorified fan-fiction that found a distributor…Disney. As a result…

16. Modern Disney blows.

    Do I want more Lilo and Stitch sequels? No. Do I want sequels to my favorite classic Disney movies? No. Do I want a video game in which Disney characters duke it out Mortal Combat style and I can finally teach that Tinkerbell a lesson? Hell yes I do. Stop concentrating on The Lion King 7 and ¾ and give the people what they want!

17. There are no real plot twists or surprises in a Disney movie.

    “The bad guy wants to kill her?” “The bad guy didn’t kill her?” “She lives happily ever after?” The one exception to this rule may be The Lion King, but come on…I saw it coming.

18. Mary Poppins is creepy.

    I don’t care how happy she made those kids; if a woman floats into my house on an umbrella and drags me into chalk drawings and cartoon worlds, I want a new babysitter.