EDUCATION in Britain is set for an overhaul after the worst set of results since, well, actually no-one is educated enough to work out when.

Only four people achieved grade A at A-Level this year, leading to shadow schools minister Gary Parry to say that teachers were, fundamentally, shit.

He also criticised the use of Microsoft PowerPoint version 1, stating that the poor graphical interface was causing the system to freeze and that the few decent teachers were spending half the lesson climbing up the face of the twenty foot computers to press the restart button.

Conservative Schools Minister Edward Headwood has stated that he is disappointed with the lack of academic achievement in the education system and that a Green Paper has already been put in front of Parliament to be scrutinized by MPs in attempt to rectify the situation.

Make Exams Easy Bill (MEEB), which is likely to be accepted by all parties, aims to gradually decrease the difficulty of exams each year in order for it to appear that all the money spend on education is being used effectively.

Part of the proposals includes adding a new qualification called an AS-Level, half an A-Level in order to make those who are thick at least feel like they’ve achieved something even if everyone knows they haven’t.

Amanda Sandra, spokeswoman for the union TAS (Teachers Aren’t Shit) spoke of the current crisis: “Whilst we welcome the new proposals to make our members’ jobs easier, despite them clearly being overpaid for the tiny amount of work they actually do, we do feel they deserve a bit of praise.’

“They have been coming to terms with new computer systems, some are still struggling not to hit the children and they are spending a greater amount of time nowadays chasing paedophiles away from schools.

“A lot of teachers are now also in relationships with their students, so in fact, some pupils are receiving much more tuition than ever before.

“Ideally, what our members would like to see is more time off.”

Prime-woman-minister Margaret Thatcher has also promised to help and has announced she will take immediate action to do something that will irritate people in later years.

Paschal La-Di-Dah, regarded as one Britain’s brainiest students, and most likely to be a gay when it comes more sociably acceptable, received the first grade A in the newly introduced Video Studies. He said: “I’m really surprised with my result. I did nothing, literally nothing. ”

“But apparently that made up 90 per cent of the marks on the course.”

When asked whether the easier exams would see an overwhelming increase in the amount people applying for university places, Edward Headwood (who is also half-robot) said: “People aren’t that clever, and they’ll not be getting any more cleverer when MEEB comes in.’

“Dumbing-down universities would be the only way that could happen.”

Below is an example of a current English exam question, and how the same question will look in twenty years.

Current

The Tempest

1. How far and in what ways do you see family relationships as a central concern of The Tempest?

In the course of your answer:

• explain clearly how the play presents family relationships;

• comment on what the play suggests about family conflicts

(50 Marks)

Future

The Tempest

1. What is The Tempest?

(Circle the correct answer)

a) A book

b) A shoe

(50 Marks)