To get something out there first, I in no way want to make fun of Dirk Bogardes, Jim Caan, and Sean Connery’s 1977 war-action movie “A Bridge Too Far” by using the title humorously. I can’t because I haven’t seen it although I’m sure it was good since it had the first James Bond actor in it. Seriously, “Dr. No” kicked ass. I also don’t own anything about any movie, restaurant, or beverage, mentioned in this letter, or the word truthiness. That’s Stephen Colbert’s word and he’s an American Hero.

What I can say right now is that we are at war, a war that we’ve never fought before, a battle against something we can’t see, find on radar, or even pronounce correctly. It didn’t attack us, fight us, or bomb us, but they are a threat to our national security. We need to bring them to justice and bring freedom to normal, average, everyday Americans from their stranglehold on our values, morals, and virtues. I’m talking about the obesity problem in America.

Global warming, high death rate, corruption of the children, and etc, these are all problems that come from fat people in America. Think about it, if the fat people weren’t breathing so hard and leaving the air conditioners up all the time wasting energy, global warming wouldn’t be as much of an issue. If heart attacks weren’t such a huge issue, people wouldn’t be dieing as much. And finally, our children are being corrupted simply because of the fact that fat people aren’t very fun to look at. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Super Size Me”, you’ll know that Morgan Spurlock is a god! We need to do everything he says to protect ourselves from the growing threat to our national safety. All of the brilliantly done, motion pictures about obesity in America today are epic, symphonic, orgasm-like masterpieces of theater that deserve our full attention and respect.

Now, I don’t know any fat people, nor do I have any fat relatives, and I am not fat. But the truthiness of the situation is that fat people are like a stuffed crust on this planet made of pizza and they need to be dealt with like Dick Cheney’s hunting buddies. So let’s try to kill two big birds with one gun. Right now we’re trying to cut our dependency on foreign oil right? Let us modify our crematoriums to power generators and burn all of the fat people as they slowly murder themselves with their Big Gulps, Big Macs, and Big Boy Restaurant chains. The intense heat of one obese individual can burn down an entire crematorium; imagine if we could harness that energy to our own personal use.

Not only would this cut our energy deficiency, pollution would go down, welfare costs, and population problems would go down. After these great movements in thin, more superior people history, we will finally have a much better tasting, lighter, and fat-free society. I mean seriously, these people are only our friends and neighbors, and what’s friendship to people who like to have fun and eat good tasting food to the economic incentive? Nothing is worth it, nothing at all.

So to sign off tonight, don’t be thinking about the people’s feelings and lives as you finish reading the most brilliant idea ever, think about the end to all of our economic, people based, and environmental problems as we know it.