The United States is standing at a crossroads.

On the one hand it can elect the first President of African descent & at the same time erase hundreds of years of racism & oppression (or at least provide a step in that direction).

Or we can see two of the most ignorant & ill-fated fundamentalist nut jobs on the planet barrel into the white house & destroy everything that made this country, if not great, then at least mildly tolerable.  

If you are depressed by possibly seeing this, a Disney Movie become reality & want more than anything to move to Canada.

If you are tired of the same ole, pseudo-patriotic, let’s go “free” another country thru war & spread democracy (tho we are failing our own) by bombing their innocents into the stone age. All while spending a trillion dollars doing so despite the fact our economy is in the tank & education is at an all time low (this coming from the country whose greatest export might just be the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders). Then don’t just stand there & take it up the ass like John Kerry & the Democratic Party. Stand up for yourself & ……

Start Your Own Country !! 

If the interests of the wealthiest 1% don’t intersect with yours & you’d rather watch reruns of Hee-Haw with Bill O’Reilly & his blow up doll collection than vote in another fixed election.  

If your idea of a fun time does not include bailing out greedy U.S. bankers to the tune of $700 Gazillion or subsidizing corporations who rape the earth & profit hand over fist while paying an unlivable wage.

Start You Own Country !!

If you didn’t believe Iraq was any kind of a real threat & Dubya is just there cuz he couldn’t even spell Afghanistan let alone find it on a map.

If you thought the Constitution was a pretty important part of our Democracy & not just some fictitious, bunch of pretty words which will soon end up being nothing more than the Cliff notes to our slow, certain descent into fascism. And you can still remember a time when you didn’t have to lie to your children about our country’s foreign policy. Then ….  

Start your own country !!

Rules in the Secession of the Individual

First, quit your job. Gainful employment is for suckers. It is for those who have given up on their dreams. You will live simply & rejoice in the little things. Like being evicted at 5 am & living in your car until they repo that too. Better to sell it now & get a used van with a good heater. Parks are for parking, man.

Next, stop paying taxes. You don’t owe them anything. Besides they will probably just squander the money on bombs, guns, tax breaks for the wealthy or, worse yet, a statue of Sarah Palin sitting on President Lincoln’s lap.

Instead take all their currency & place it in a big pile on the White House lawn or if you’re a public school teacher, just imagine this. Take some lighter fluid & light it up then dance naked around it.

Or you can go to the mall & stand on the highest level & light the corner of each bill on fire & throw it over the edge & watch the masses tear each other apart in pursuit of their one true god.

Or if you prefer you can give it all to charity. But whatever you do. Don’t give it to any church. They’ve already caused enough problems.

Next:

Stop obeying their meaningless laws & regulations. No more stopping for Red Lights or conceding the right-of-way. No more waiting your turn in line at the grocery store or wiping your feet before entering a building. That stuff is for Suckers. 

Instead find out where your former HMO lives & fuck his cat. Rummage thru his garbage too & if you find any incriminating evidence like say a photoshop job of Cindy McCain’s head on Janet Jackson’s body threaten to make copies of it & pass it out to all his neighbors until he gives you free healthcare.

Then go visit an outpost of every evil corporation destroying the planet:

At McDonald’s when they ask if ‘you want fries with that tell ‘em not only do you not want fries or a Dead Cow Sammich but ask if they could politely remove their corporate cock from the ass of the American economy & stop spending millions lobbying against a raise in the minimum wage & stop tearing down the Rain Forest for cattle grazing & that we’d greatly appreciate it. Then tell ‘em on 2^nd thought you would like some fries with that but only if you can have them served with a side of Ronald McDonald’s heart.

At Wal-Mart when they ask if you want paper or plastic tell them you want both but that you want them to take the bags & put them over their heads in a vain attempt to conceal the shame of being the # 1 purveyor of cheap plastic crap & for destroying (cue music) an America we used to be proud of with Main streets lined with small family owned businesses & factory jobs where we made products not as cheap as China but not nearly as toxic & with half the government induced repression.  

And when the lady behind the counter at Starbucks asks you if she can help you … you say yes. Tell her, “ You can stop masquerading as happy & stop fulfilling your pre-assigned role as mitigator of all crimes corporate & join me in the pursuit of something real like a poor man’s revolution where every American agrees to stop lying to themselves about their imagined fate & agrees to begin slaying the dragons of insincerity like in that book by Camus or Tolstoy or whoever “…. Tell her you refuse to die just another cog in this machine they call capitalism & that you want to see her soul laid bare before the fires of democracy along with every other fledgling factory worker turned revolutionary & then refuse to pay for your $5 not-fairly-traded cup of Joe. Instead dump it on the floor & yell “Viva La Revolucion” as you run out the door singing the Canadian National Anthem.

Do the same thing every day until the revolution begins … or until Starbucks, McD’s & Wal Mart shut their doors for good.

You must walk thusly & carry a big brown bag of marijuana. To the degree that you are malicious towards the corporate structure so you must be equally as charitable to your fellow soldiers without a country. You can impart upon them the wisdom you have gathered gently & lovingly but you must resist the desire to tussle intellectually especially about politics since most Americans know nothing about them. Even tho you probably will be winning the argument no one will know but you.

If anyone asks you if you’d like to buy a candy bcuz their school is under funded or if you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as the one true Lord, just hand them a joint & walk away. This will be especially helpful with the police & corrections officers & anyone wearing a tie.

On Institutionalized Insincerity:

The moral contrivances must go as well: No more ‘Please‘ ‘thank you’ or ‘see you later’. No long goodbyes either. Unless you truly mean them.

You shall walk tenderly upon Mother Earth, worship nature & traffic in shallow sex. Worship of the body is preferable to worship of cold hard cash.

You are a country unto yourself. You mustn’t abide by anyone’s expectations of you. You are beholden to know one.

You are CEO, Prime Minister, El Presidente & the Grand Poobah of your own traveling domain.

You mustn’t let anyone place any constraints on you or your time.

If they say stay, you must go now !! If they say go, you must stay. If it is really late & they have to work tomorrow & maybe they have loaned you money in the past or you would like to maybe have some pre-coital cocktails with them someday on a tropical island while some kid with an accent plays with your feet …. Then go !!! ( but be sure to steal something first.)

You are an island unto yourself & this island will have only one law:

Always, always error on the side of Love.

And never ever remain silent again.

Ok. That’s two laws. Fair enough.

But no stone tablets or monuments to rich dead white guys & especially No Lawyers !! If you get paid to lie whether it’s legal or not it’s still called stealing.

And when you’ve broken one too many of their petty laws & The Man is closing in on you, you take your one man country on wheels & make a run for Canada where people are boring but nice & they actually have Healthcare for everyone & more importantly they don’t have rednecks.

But if the Pigs do catch up with you before you can get there: Break free for one last Hoorah …. Drop your pants & climb on top of the police cruiser & yell: I am Vlad the Inhaler from the land of the Kum-on-I-Wanna-Lay-A & all you mere mortals can now kiss my ass !!!

You are an island unto yourself & this island will have only one law: