I find it ironic that I should be writing an article on computers. I didn’t actually have an E-mail address until two years ago. My understanding of them has improved a lot since then, however. For instance, I know where the on switch is now. Going from the on switch I have enjoyed progressing to the word processor. I love how you can type, correct and edit in a flash. Unfortunately, like most handy mod cons computers do breakdown, and if you are computer illiterate like myself this can be a nightmare. When such a hitch occurs, the last person I will turn to is a Mac user. The reason is simple. I am through no contrivance of my own a PC man.

At first I had no idea that there was a difference between an Apple and a PC. Boy was I in for a surprise. A friend of mine called Lee J, a dyed in the wool Mac user, offered to help my sister with a problem that she was having with her PC.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he told me.    

Little did I know what I was getting myself into. When he sat down in front of the console he rolled his eyes and said, “How primitive.”

This derogatory comment was just a warm up. It wasn’t long before my sister and I were cowering in the corner as Lee J let off a volley of seismic expletives.

“Come on you piece of shit work!”

“Christ, these fucking things are useless!”

“This belongs in a tip not on a desk!”

Mercifully, he was able to tackle the problem, albeit without an ounce of grace. I was to find out later that this kind of reaction was all too common in the battle for the ultimate work station.

Just recently this cyber war has reached another stand off since the release of Apple’s latest advertising campaign, which shows an arrogant, middle-aged, accident-prone PC nerd failing dismally to impress a young, hip, easy going Mac dude.

When I innocently mentioned the ad to my Polish mate, Peter. P, an avid Mac fan boy, he went ballistic.  

“The windows system is one giant bug,” he raved. “If it was running on a space station, everyone would die!”

“I didn’t realize you were so passionate about it.”

“Are you kidding, I if I had to go back to using a windows system after using a Mac it would be like being sent to a death camp.”

“Peter, why do you always have to use the Holocaust as an example when it comes to describing something you hate?”

“What would you expect,” he says. “I only live twenty minutes away from the Auschwitz car park.”

This lively conversation reminded me of Lee J’s ill-tempered reaction to my sisters PC. It has inspired me to investigate, once and for all, what this acrimonious rift is really all about. Firstly, I had to find out what the difference between a Mac and a PC actually was? Secondly, I wanted to see if I could bring these two warring parties together in peace and harmony.

The first person I called upon was my cousin Ryan, who is responsible for weaning me on my first PC. He has used PC’s since he was a teenager. This consuming interest eventually transformed into a successful career as a skilled Web Designer. He now runs his own successful business and he is more than happy to use the PC to get the job done.   

“PC users are more likely to be explorers,” he says, “but Mac fan boys prefer to stay in their own little bubble.”

“In what way?” I ask. 

“They have simplified their interfaces and packaging, which suitably matches the technical ability of their users.”

Harsh words indeed. I ask him if he has had any experience with Apple computers.

“I worked on them for the Sydney Paralympics. This isn’t PC of me to say, but it was kind of appropriate, because the Mac’s I worked with kept on disabling themselves. All the work I put in would freeze up and be lost in an instant.” 

“Really?”

“Macs are super slippery,” he says. “It’s like using an oversized piece of soap.”

Ryan’s ill-hidden contempt for the Mac is not uncommon among PC users, but as we know the same can be said about Mac users when it comes to discussing PC’s. Taking a deep breath I decided to contact the man that had first exposed me to this war of technological attrition. Even though Lee J eerily resembles the PC nerd on the recent Apple ad, he does not move an inch when it comes to defending the Mac against its opposite number. When I asked him to give his thoughts on this contentious subject it only took him five minutes to reply with a detailed response to my email. Here is just a portion of what he said.

“Mac users love their machines,” he states, “While PC users just tolerate them.”

“If you simply want the lowest possible sticker price, you will always be able to find a PC that is cheaper than a Mac of “equivalent” spec. If however you want the lowest total cost of ownership (especially of you consider your time to be valuable), Macs will serve you far better. You won’t have to waste time getting rid of crap-ware (when you buy it), and you won’t have to deal with Mal-ware either (when you run it). Due to its inherently more secure UNIX platform, Mac OS X has had no viruses in the wild so far and only one Trojan horse (which requires the user to be stupid enough to download illegal software and manually install it).”

Huh? What the hell was he talking about? As a computer layman I needed a clearer and more unbiased answer from a Mac person. Someone who was passionate about it, but didn’t take it all too seriously either.

“Why don’t you ask Barry?” prompted my cousin Ryan. 

“Barry, why?”

“He’s been a Mac man for over twenty years.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, he puts the ac in Mac.”

“Cool, I’ll give him a call right now.”

Barry has a really great sense of humor. I couldn’t imagine him taking this Mac/PC thing so seriously. I knew that his witty comments would make good copy for my article too.

“Hey Barry, its Nick,” I say after he answers the phone.

“Hey Nick, how’s it hanging?”

“Strong and firm as usual,” I reply.

“Unless you’re swimming.”

“Ha, ha, you are such a pistol Barry,” I say hardly containing myself. “Look, I need to ask you something for an article I’m writing.”

“Shoot.”

“Ha, ha, shoot, pistol, I get it, that’s too funny.”  

“What can I say I’m regular Groucho Marks.”      

“I need some really funny comments from you about Macs v PC.”

A dead silence follows.

“Barry, are you there?”

Suddenly a robotic voice comes over the phone.

“The Mac operating system is far more superior than the PC. The Mac can talk to the PC straight out of the box however the reverse cannot be said for the other. It is also underpinned by UNIX…” 

“Barry is that you?”

“…it has a graphical user interface called gooey…”

“Barry?”

“…Mac mini zero desk space has a built in microphone, I-Mac has a gorgeous screen and built in DVD drives. Mac pro is infinitely upgraded…”

“Hey, Earth to fan boy do you read me?”

 “…most Macs have an aluminum chassis, blue tooth, wireless sound and they are such a clever design…”

“Hey Barry give it a rest already!”  

“Oh sorry,” says Barry breaking out of his trance. “It’s just that when somebody asks me about the Mac I get a verbal hard on.”

I take deep sigh and ask him, “Can you please explain to me in plain language what a Mac engineer actually does?”

“I’m a Systems Integrator specializing in Apple technologies.”

“Huh?

“I basically integrate Apple into windows environments.”

 “Spell it out to me man!”

“I know how to make the Mac and the PC communicate.”

“Right, now we’re getting somewhere.”

“I’m like a computer whisperer,” he adds.

“Wow, does this mean you can make peace between Mac’s and PC’s?”

“Are you crazy?”

Before Barry hangs up he gives one more passing shot at the PC.

“The Mac is to the I-pod what Windows is to the Zune.”

This is followed by a raspberry.  

I only had two more interviews to go and I felt even further away from sorting out this mess. I was hoping that a PC expert, known as the Big D could help clear up the confusion. On most mornings he comes to visit me at my place of business for a cup of coffee and a chit-chat. I work in a second-hand bookshop in the North Shore of Sydney, which enables me to tell a customer to nick off if I’m in the middle something important, like studying my latest porno. When I ask the Big D about the Mac his answer is an intriguing one.   

“My problem is not so much with the computer itself but with the people who use them,” he says, taking a sip from his cup of Joe.

“What’s the matter with them?” I ask.

“There are some mental problems of sorts, probably due to poor potty training. I think that’s where the general stiffness in attitude comes from.”

“Other than the people who use Apple products,” I ask, “you actually like the Mac then?” 

“The Mac can be a lovely thing to use but the same could be said for lube.”

“Go on.”

“You must understand that Bill Gates has made the PC available to the whole world, unlike Steve Jobbs who only caters to a pseudo elite group. And let’s face it, if Microsoft had not developed windows there would no web.”

“What do you say to those that accuse Bill Gates of holding the computer world for ransom?”

“Congratulations.”

“Really?”

“It is Steve Jobbs who only wants to create a closed and paranoid society my friend,” he says, patting my back. “It is an affront to all that is pure and good and indeed a great hypocrisy for a Mac user to log onto the expansive and open internet.”

“Wow,” I say. “I’m really glad that you cleared this all up for me.”

“Anytime.”

At that moment an Apple nemesis of the Big D walk’s in for an arranged interview. Both men size each other up and respectively nod. The Big D gets up from the chair and leaves without saying another word. His nemesis takes his place.    

“I don’t need to interview you now,” I tell him. “The Big D set me straight about the whole thing.”

“I wouldn’t believe a word that PC pariah says,” my new interviewee replies.

“What is your problem with PC’s then?”

“They are a heap of shit.” 

“Why?” 

“They self destruct.”

“How?”

“Viruses you idiot.”

“Is it true that Apple users are a closed and paranoid society?”

“Of course not!”

“Do you mind if I quote you on this?”

“Sure,” he says. “But don’t use my name.”

“Why not?”

“There are PC guys out there who are out to get me.”

It figures.

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