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Mozart and The Superbabies – Science Myth Exposed (Humour, Satire)

Published by Ian Thorpe in Satire
September 12th, 2011

It was one of the great science myths of recent decades but now the Mozart effect, the notion that playing classical music to pregnant women produces smareter kids has been debunked. Read more (humour for grown ups)

It was one of the great scientific myths of the past two decades. Now we learn that playing Mozart to your unborn child will not boost the baby’s intelligence, a new meta analysis of related research has shown. So if you have been playing Rondo A La Turk or Eine Kleine Nachtmusic up you wife or girlfriend’s chuff twenty-four/seven hoping it will improve your child’s performance at school or turn said child into an infant genius who gets their first PhD at age seven, give the lass a break and let her listen to some Take That or Adele.

This phenomenon, dubbed ”The Mozart Effect” was first reported in 1993, when a “peer reviewed” study published in the prestigious, highly respected and gobsmackingly pompous scientific journal Nature reported that fastening a set of speakers playing Mozart’s 1781 sonata for two pianos in D major (KV 488) to a pregnant lady’s bump with gaffer tape would lead to her delivering a super intelligent and preternaturally mature child like Damien in The Omen. (OK I misrepresented that last bit for comic effect but the super intelligent bit is accurately reported .) In fact the study showed that listening to classical music improved college students cognitive abilities compared with students who listed to other music or none at all.

Since then sales of Mozart CDs for children have become popular very popular among “Liberal” parents in the USA and Daily Mail readers in the UK. In 1998 the state of Georgia even gave every mother of a newborn baby a free classical music CD. It’s no effing wonder then that kids are all hooked on Ketamine, Miaow miaow and Crystal Meth, are sexually degenerate and are out of the streets causing trouble. The burden of such expectations and the derogatory effect of classical music on the minds of people who want only to listen to Rage Against the Machine or the incoherent rapping of MC Misogynist and the Boyz In Silly Trousaz.

Some of you will have noticed that I am seldom impressed by those who call themselves “scientists” and bang on about the “scientific method” as if a bunch of addle brained coneheads in white coats are the only human beings who are capable of working methodically. Accountants are, are they not, methodical? Bookies who lay bets on horse racing and other events are, are they not, methodical? Child murderers are, are they not, methodical in the way they stalk, groom, abduct and kill their selected victims and then cover up the evidence? 

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