1. I will not spend any time in prison in 2009. There is no way I will go back there: it is so spartan. The TV Plasma screen was only 50 inch, which is nothing compared to my TV’s in all of my homes. The eider down pillows and duck-feathered mattress in prison are only half as lush as the ones I’m used to. (Except when I crash at a party, of course). Prison is definitely not for me.

2. When I get out of prison this year, I will not write a book about the time I spent there. The derisory offers I got for my last book made it not worthwhile – I’m Paris Hilton, for goodness sake! I don’t like writing anyway, it is so difficult to find the time with my career as a celebrity. People have no idea how long it takes to set up a contrived photo situation. My agent suggested a ghost writer, but I’m scared of them.

3. I will stay out of the limelight. My time in prison has taught me humility and the virtue of meekness. I will not seek publicity, and will avoid having my photograph taken in public.

4. When my time out of the limelight is over, my agent will set up a huge publicity event, so that I can tell everyone how much I have changed and reformed. The new me will be revealed to an adoring world. Maybe my shrink can be there, to talk about my addiction to publicity.

5. I will not drink or party any more. Having said that, I won’t drink or party any less either.

6. I will go to college. Geography would be a good subject for me, as I’m very good at it. I know, for example, that my name “Paris”, is actually the name of a place in Texas. I think it might be the capital of Europe too.

I can’t count higher than 6, so the rest of my resolutions will all be numbered “6″ for convenience.

6. I will help the poor people of Africa. I will pledge to give them all of the royalties from my film “One Night in Paris”. My lawyer advises me against this, because the film was stolen from me and released without my consent. It is all so complicated, perhaps I should hold a public news conference on prime time, so that we can discuss what is best for the poor people of Africa.

6. I will study law. This is my most important resolution by far. My grandfather has threatened to disinherit me, so I need to know how to sue his butt when he dies.

6. I will give up smoking. I’m really guaranteed success on this one, because it’s so easy. I have done it successfully every year for the past 5 years.

6. I will lose weight. If I haven’t lost at least 1 pound by the end of the year, I will hold a press conference to tell everyone why it was so difficult, and why I failed. I’m sure that they will understand how difficult my life is, with all my career commitments.