To the Editor,

The 2008 Scholarship Exam, a highly reputable examination, has been contaminated by a mutant strain of gibberish commonly known as “ENGLISH”. I am infuriated that such a petty subject has destroyed an innocent examination. Funnily enough, in the last 5 years (since the development of this exam) the subject to be examined was of individual choice (be it English for the mentally unstable, or Mathematics for the elite).

Be chance or racial discrimination, (our grade has a 25% Asian population), the exam’s purity has been scarred by an unknown company codenamed “AC-ER”. This “AC- ER” aims to “provide a non-biased examination system to differentiate academically gifted students”. This statement is as true as Peter Costello’s promise to keep interest rates low. Further research into this devious organisation uncovers their attempts to infiltrate students with English. They subtly embed English in all their topics “humanities, written expression, maths and science”. Is an exam with 85% English fair? By no means! An exam which tests English, is as meaningless as Rudd’s apology to the stolen generations. The likelihood of selecting the students truly worthy of the scholarship would be as likely as Howard rethinking his workplace agreements and IR laws.

Some say, “English is a way to express our emotions”. Yes, English has its uses, but this can be easily substituted with algebraic expression. Who needs English when you have algebra or the wonderful language of calculus? English is illogical; you could be awarded marks by sophisticated rambling on about the contents of your lunch. Theorems should replace poems, quadratics replace essays, proofs replace narratives and equations replace discussions. As Jedidiah writes “the vast scope of the language that mathematics gives you, allows simple statements to draw together and connect the unruly diversity of the world”.

As you can imagine, I was absolutely outraged to hear that AC ER had sneaked in another written expression! The test being biased towards English was classified as treason, having yet another written expression deserved death by essay writing! English is so repulsive only English can describe itself. As I quote William Shakespeare, the greatest English playwright of all time, I say English is: “Corruptor of words”, “An ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull”  (Twelfth Night). I say this to all of those wrongly awarded scholarships because of this corruption: “Eat my Leek”. (Henry V)

                                                                                                Yours algebraically,

                                                                                                            T1m0thy