I thought I’d start off by talking about one of life’s hidden issues. One that on the surface seems to spread peace and love to people of all walks of life….from the pretty to the ugly, and to the pretty ugly. However, when you plunge headlong into the scope of this dark human conquest, you begin to see the makings of a malevolent vortex, shattering the conventions of society and what we make of our self-confessed shallow world.

Panic Marriage, put simply, is when two ugly people get married, usually at a very young age, due to the fact that the both fear they will never be able to find anyone else.

There are many factors that I feel are valid reasons to outlaw this practice.

1. For a start, love is not always present in these “settling” relationships. These couples place a much higher priority on support, convenience and the ability to save face rather than pure love.
2. While this boosts the “ugly” person’s self-esteem in the short term, it isn’t long before they become the laughing stock of their town. They become known as “Pinky and the Brain” or other nasty nicknames like that. The couple get a false sense of security. Until one day, their world’s come crashing down when they realise that they don’t really love each other.
3. For non-ugly people, or “pretty” people, the idea of panic marriage is an all too real nightmare. It makes them feel like, since they are not married yet, and the ugly ones are….that they are even uglier and will forever become wallflowers. While people who choose to not marry or to stay single are often strong and confident individuals, it is increasingly challenging to feel attractive when even the “uglies” have partners.
4. Ugly people having the ability to get married goes against everything society and pop culture has taught us. Beauty never married the Beast until he became a prince. She could never really properly love him and be physically attracted to him while he was a hairy mcclairy foul breathed monster. However, if she had been cursed with the looks of say, Ursula from The Little Mermaid, she probably would have signed the wedding papers on the day the Beast locked her up in that kinky little dungeon.

Countries such as Quezbekistan and Lithuania have already put laws in place to prevent these marriages. In these countries, when couples want to marry, they must first send in a photo of their face and body. They then have 24 hours to rectify any changes that government has specified. Penalties include a private viewing of a Rosie O’Donnell pornographic film and a $450,000 fine.

I urge Australia to look into these issues as a matter of urgency.