Pretoria, South Africa – Earlier this week, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a new study, focused on the effect of global warming on animal societies located in the Antarctic Circle, focusing especially on penguins. In that report, it was stated that continued elevation of the Earth’s climate would be catastrophic to the penguin population. Yesterday, one penguin spoke out in protest.

“Frankly,” said Marty, an emperor penguin, “the IPCC has absolutely no clue on the impact this would have on my brothers and sisters. The only thing that a five degree difference in the average global temperature would do to a penguin in the wild would be to improve its habitat by about ten percent.”

Marty and his tank mates usually spend most of their days swimming, entertaining crowds, and eating fish, but recently the waddle elected Marty to be their spokes-penguin on global warming. Marty, who came to the National Zoo almost four years ago, is widely considered the foremost authority on climate change in the penguin tank.

“Look, if there is one thing that a penguin knows about, it’s being cold,” Marty went on to say. “When was the last time you watched a nature program, saw a penguin, and said “boy, that penguin looks hot.” Never. It’s always, “Damn! Look how cold that penguin looks.” A degree here or there will only make us happier.”

Niza Swanepoel, Director of Operations at the South African National Zoo disagrees with Marty. “I just want it put on record that the statements made by Marty Penguin do not reflect the views of the National Zoo in any way. We have a longstanding tradition of supporting the fight against global warming, and believe that, in our global society, global warming is the most important issue we face.”

“Did Niza use his “global society” quote,” Marty said with a cruel laugh. “Man, that guy is such a dork. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate all the fish Niza arranges for me, but he’s a complete moron.”

Following in Marty’s footsteps, animals from throughout the world are stepping up to the microphone and voicing their opinions on what matters most to them. Killer, an lion in the Seattle Zoo, spoke out against a hunting ordinance designed to limit the population of gazelles. Sweetchuck, a panda from the Moscow Zoo, argued against a measure that would attempt to find an alternative food source for his kind. In the report, published by the Animal Welfare League, one scientist claims that bamboo has effects on pandas that mimic the effects of marijuana on humans.

“Dude,” said Sweetchuck, “it’s such total bogus crap, man. Like, yo. There’s no way I would eat bamboo if I thought it was doing something bad to me, right? Why can’t everyone just leave us pandas alone and let us live how we want to. Now, where did I leave my bamboo?”

Back in Pretoria, Marty continues to stay optimistic about global warming. “I see nothing that points to humans changing any of the habits that have started the global warming ball in motion. With any amount of luck, my Antarctic cousins will need suntan lotion by the year 2020.”