Writer, director, creator and chief geek man Joss Whedon

Yeeeeeeha! I’ve made this into a film.

Opening: Research lab

Simon rescues his sister River with the use of a magic wand.

People who haven’t seen the series

Meh a semi exciting opening

People who have seen the series

Is this a dream, I can’t believe I’m seeing a firefly movie. Wait a minute in the series Simon didn’t break River out himself. Oh I don’t care I’m so happy.

Operative too mysterious for a name

Well I’m not happy with the conveniently placed cameras that captured the event. Why didn’t the film crew stop them?

Research Doctor

Shouldn’t you at least have a generic name like Smith or Brown. Must be very confusing for your bosses.

Operative too mysterious for a name

….I would like to introduce you to my sword.

Cut to Serenity flying around falling apart

Mal

What’s with all the guns?

Jayne

I need to go and intimidate some people and my name is Jayne.

Mal

Good point.

They break into a vault and like all good robbers stare into the security cameras as they do it

Zoe

(Puts her gun against the head of someone trying to resist) You know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed.

River

Hey I’m supposed to be the prophetic one!

Wash

Err what did you just say?

Reavers appear they’re savage, self harming, subhuman, mindless monsters…. who would make great maths, science and engineering students. After all they are masters of space flight. The crew manage to escape in an impressive array of special effects.

Kaylee

Wizard.

People who haven’t seen the series

Oooh this is getting interesting.

Simon

Despite another demonstration of how dangerous it is out here and despite the fact that your the only people I know I can trust, me and River are leaving.

Mal

You’re an idiot.

 

Jayne

I’ll help you pack.

They go to a bar, River sees a power ranger cartoon and suddenly discovers a skill for beating people up. A whole lot of people.

Mal

I’m not so sure about having River aboard.

River

I see dead people.

 

Simon

Umm she’s fine, really. Beside you brought her back on board.

 

Mal

Oh well she stays then, can’t go getting indecisive.

 

Jayne

Sigh.

Mal goes to see Inara as an excuse to get into another dangerous situation.

Inara

Can’t you try the easy way from time to time.

Mal

Just coming to see if you still have your ’skills’

Inara

I do.

Operative too mysterious for a name

She does.

Incense/flash bomb

I’d say she does. Boom!

Mal

How did you set  the exact time, so it got the operative and not us.

 

Inara

Woman’s intuition.

They return to there hiding spot to find the alliance  has destroyed it and left no one alive. Well almost no one.

 

Mal

Mysterious Book nooooo! I still haven’t figured out the mystery, knew I should have read the last chapter first. Wait didn’t we talk earlier.

Mysterious Book

Yeah but I’m not a big enough part of the film for a shortened script.

Mal

This is so sad. You’ve got to make it, you should be a bigger part of the film.

Mysterious Book

I know it’s a tragic story. At least I managed to survive a mortal wound for hours, possibly days, so that I can give you a few words of wisdom. I’ll die now so that it’s not too long and gets edited out.

Mal

Right we’re going to soup up Serenity for a pass through Reaver territory. Out of respect of Mysterious Book hiss skeleton will be our main feature.

Kaylee

That’s horrid.

Mal

It’s either him or Simon.

Kaylee

I’ll go get some rope.

They have a scary experience traveling through Reaver space as they’re ships blast out Reaver pop music.

River

I see dead people.

Kaylee

We all see dead people the entire planets dead. But on the bright side the technology is intact, shiny.

Zoe

Since Reavers eat people you’d think they’d start with these vacuum packed ones.

They enter a crashed but only slightly damaged ship and find the message.

Hologram of scientist

It’s our fault, we just wanted to make an original scifi series with engaging characters but the Trekky’s couldn’t handle it.

Kaylee

(Quivering in fear) No not Trekky’s, the Reavers are die hard Trekky’s.

Mal

Oh my.

They head off to broadcast the signal through Mr Universe. The Alliance is waiting for them behind a cloud… surrounding a planet…. well at least it’s not explained by meaningless techno-babble.

Operative too mysterious for a name

What could possibly go wrong?

Random officer

Well a whole fleet of Reaver ships could appear. Surely there’s some satellites on the other side of  the cloud which could send us data.

Operative too mysterious for a name

All monitors are tuned to Big Brother. We love Big Brother.

Random officer

So how come your watching X Files?

Operative too mysterious for a name

You can’t take my Sky from me. Besides what are the chances of Reavers turning up?

Reavers turn up, huge battle commences, Serenity crashes. Wash dies.

People who have and haven’t seen the series

NOOOOOO! Sob. Why do main characters have to die in this series.

Writer, director, creator and chief geek man Joss Whedon

Tense isn’t it.

Mal goes to send the signal whilst everyone else digs in for some Reaver shooting.

Simon

Kaylee you know my biggest regret is not being with you.

Kaylee

You mean as in sex? To hell with this I’m going to live. I will also continue to promote sales of the Firefly DVD so that people can see more dimensions to my character than just Simon chasing.

Mal comes across the transmitter which for some reason is over a giant chasm.

Mal

Not at all like Star Wars.

 

Operative too mysterious for a name

I’ve been waiting for you Mal we meet again at last.

Mal

But I was here first.

Operative too mysterious for a name

Shut up! Now let me introduce you to my sword.

They fight Mal wins and sends out the signal. Meanwhile River defeats the Reavers/Trekky’s because she’s a girl and Trekky’s are terrified of girls.

Operative too mysterious for a name

Mal I’ve repaired your ship healed your crew, I believe that’s called switching sides. Join me and we can overthrow the Emperor.

Mal

Nah I just prefer floating around. Hoping for a sequel.

People who have and haven’t seen the series

Please let there be a sequel.

For more parody scripts go to http://www.purpleslinky.com/writers/Nathan%20Grace.130165

http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/the-difference-between-a-star-trek-fan-and-a-trekky/

http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/star-trek-credit-crunch/