I’ll come out and say it: It takes either a very ambitious person or a very stupid person (though both qualities help). You need so many things to get you on your way: precedent, charisma and a damn good suit (you think I’m joking? Name me one TV news anchor that lacks any of these. That’s what I thought …). What you are about to read is a guide that will not only tell you what you do and do not have, but what you need and not need to be a star in a news media empire.

1. Precedent

   1. You need to be so good that right off the bat you’ll be a template for all other future anchors. And let’s face it; nobody wants to die without their name being immortalized in human society, least of all me. Yes, it is a lot to ask, but don’t you want this, of course you do so sit down and keep reading. Although this often (and almost solely) applies to the annals of legal history, you have to be so good that you jump the gun a little. “So how do I gain precedent?” This is how: have something happen to you, something big, something life changing, something having to do with civil rights, or even by drinking a cup of coffee that was too hot and making a federal case out of it–but you can’t have these ones, they’ve already been precedented (now you may think that’s not a word but it is now Noah Webster).
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      Essentially, you have to think of yourself as the leader of your own misery. Once you gain precedent, you can now attempt to embark upon the world of the news media, because all great news anchors go through adversity (hell, most famous anchors were born in the American Deep South, those poor national icons). Besides, people love to see someone overcome their own suffering to become a model citizen. Even better, if you succeed you gain even more precedent. How’s that for inspiration

   2. Charisma

       The people need to love you, right away, look at Anderson Cooper. First day on air and he’s a star, goes on Oprah some years later, the people love him even more when they learn he went to Rwanda to report on the Genocide himself, without the affiliation of any news station. That’s the kind of back-story you need. However, that’s just part of what makes up your charisma. Ask yourself these questions. Do I have a magnetic style? Do I have a grand vision? If no, you definitely have to do two things. One, keep reading, you can get the style with the suit. Number two, get glasses. People with glasses always look like they have some insight into something that they really have no idea about (except me, my insight is genuine, who are you to question it? You want my help don’t you? Uh-huh).

   3. The Suit

      You can’t fill the part if you don’t look it. Here’s how it has to go, no questions. First, all anchors (good ones) have a tie. The following colours are acceptable: cobalt, crimson, or obsidian. Nothing too complex, never any stripes or polka dots. Do not wear striped or polka-dotted anything (classy pinstripes being an exception)! Tie your tie in a double Windsor in a 1.5 pinch. If you can’t do that, a simple Windsor will do. Never, ever, ever anything less! As for the suit itself, I have one word: very-expensive! Don’t think that’s one word? Well I had it hyphenated so technically it is. None of this 4-button crap for your suit jacket either, where do you work CNN?

      Quick tip, the stations with the highest ratings were the ones with anchors reporting on the bombing of Baghdad in the Hickey-Freeman’s, so buy the off the shelf stuff. As for the pants, although not strictly necessary if you sit behind a news desk, it will help you stay focussed and report the news with all the more confidence. The shoes. Minor detail? Wrong! Ridiculously expensive shoes for a job where your feet are never seen separates the network primetimes from those lame weekend fill-ins, don’t be cheap. Finally, the truss. If you’ve been at this game for a while and have long since gone tender and flabby, this will smooth all that out. Walter Cronkite wore one. What do you mean how do I know? Are you kidding me? Have you seen that man recently?

Well that’s all the technical stuff I can give you. However, I do have a couple final tips. One, if you end up as old as Larry King, quit. Those suspenders are honestly the only things holding that man together. Two, if you have a lame name, change it. Why do think Wolf Blitzer has job? His name is Wolf-freaking-Blitzer! Finally, you only have one chance to do a good job on air. If you screw up your first time, you screw up your soon non-existent career. You don’t want to be that pathetic weekend fill-in guy we talked about do you? That’s what I thought.