Opens with a zoom in on an Enterprise window. After years of being off the TV the first thing the new Star Trek series shows us is a bald man.

Captain Picard

I’m still cool though.

Audience

Whoa that voice is cool.

Gene Roddenberry

Star Trek will never resort to needing a star studded young cast.

Q

Ha ha mere mortals, fear me!

Captain Picard

Hi.

Q

Hi?

Captain Picard

All powerful aliens with delusions of god hood are already a Star Trek cliché. I guess you’re going to judge us now?

Q

You will quake in your mini skirts! Wait a minute why are men wearing mini skirts?

Captain Picard

This is the 24th century.

Q

And this is meant to be an optimistic view of the future.

They go to trial after some expensive but surprisingly boring special effects.

Tasha Yar

Being a strong confident woman, the equal to any man. I will now burst into tears.

Captain Picard

That’s OK, I just surrendered.

Tasha Yar

That is pathetic.

Q

To allow these 2 awkward story lines to loosely fit together I’m going to disappear for a while. I will be watching, honest.

Q

Cut to the edge of known space,

Will Riker

If being on the edge of known space is such a big thing. How can we get here weeks before the Enterprise?

Dr Crusher

I believe Picard wanted to avoid my son for as long as possible. I’m not even sure they’ll stop here.

Captain Picard

Welcome aboard number 1.

Riker

Which poor person gets called number 2?

Captain Picard

The name suits her function.

Trio

Hello Will.

 

Riker

Great now I have to put up with unresolved emotions for seven years.

Captain Picard

You’ve already turned down one captaincy, why would you do it for the next seven years.

Riker

More than seven years, but I’m actually a coward, but compensate with my arrogance.

Captain Picard

Great.

Wesley

Hi I haven’t annoyed anyone for 5 minutes.

Captain Picard

Hopefully you’ll leave when your mother’s contract ends in 12 months.

Riker

You lost the saucer section.?

Captain Picard

Yes. If O’Brien carries on like this he’ll lose his officer commission.

Riker

Whoa you’re giving me the keys to the star drive. Dude that’s totally sweet.

Captain Picard

Scratch it and your dead!

Dr McCoy

Now new Spock, remember to take care of your ship.

Dr Crusher

Why do you get to meet Bones. I want to meet Bones.

 

Data

I could go  to sickbay and arrange an autopsy.

Dr Crusher

Sigh… You get to hang out with Spock. La forge got to hang out with Scotty, Picard gets Kirk. Why don’t I get the Doctor?

Dr McCoy

That would be far too logical for my liking.

Worf

I can’t believe this is just the first half, I feel dishonoured by the lack of excitement.

Audience

I’m sure the second half will be more interesting.

Worf

Ha!

Captain Picard

Hello Zorn.

Zorn

Don’t say that.

 

Captain Picard

What your name?

Zorn

It sounds like an insult.

Captain Picard

Are you trying to hide something?

Zorn

Just my middle name.

Riker

You stimulate your simulated mind in a simulation? Fascinating.

Data

Please don’t take my lines. The holodeck is indeed fascinating… well for a season or two at least.

Audience

We should be snoozing by now but this being Star Trek we’re incredibly patient.

Troi

I sense pain.

Captain Picard

Pain? That must mean a life form.

Data

(Whispers) Sir we still have 30 minutes of the episode left.

Captain Picard

Oh. Well then this is a puzzle, better keep investigating.

Worf

Sir, an alien ship has arrived and is attacking the planet. Let me at them, let me at them!

Captain Picard

OK ready phasers.

Audience

At last some excitement.

Q

We can’t have that. This series is about long boring monologues, on the wonders of life and how peaceful humanity is yet at the same time being the most military competent people in the Galaxy.

Captain Picard

Fine we’ll go for a sickly sweet an unsatisfying ending. Send  the planet some energy so that it can turn back into a planet.

Worf

Phasers and photon torpedoes deliver a type of energy.

Captain Picard

No we want to send them the non harmful stuff, even if we know nothing about their biology. Just send some good vibes.

Worf

Sigh I’m not going to like this ship.

Riker

Now that we’re all finally introduced I hope we can finish with this messy, drawn out storytelling.

 

Captain Picard

I’m sure our future missions will be far more interesting.

Audience

We certainly hope so.