Image source Wikipedia

Opens on the USS Kelvin. We see  a modern style bridge  whilst getting sound effects from the original series.

Trek Fans

Original sound effects. That is a nice touch.

Fanatical Trekkies

But the technology looks too sophisticated compared to the original series will I even be able to sit through this?

Trek Fans

Shut up!

Nero

I want to show how evil I am by stabbing you. Please come aboard.

Captain Robau

Sure. Kirk’s dad, take over and do something heroic. Also have a long talk with your wife try to make it emotional and significant.

Kirk’s dad

I’ll try.

He does so. As the auto pilot predictably fails, he rams the Romulan ship.

Nero

Why didn’t you stop him from ramming us? Our first salvo alone almost destroyed them.

Romulan Gunner

Sorry Sir, my computer switched to space invaders and I didn’t notice.

Nero

Well how long until the ship’s repaired?

Romulan Engineer

I’d say about 25 years.

Nero

KHAAAAN!

Kirk’s mother

I must ensure my son never talks like that.

Audience

Exciting. Maybe Star Trek will make a come back.

A Nokia phone rings in the car of a young Kirk.

Audience

Then again…

Young Kirk

This ring tone is annoying, I’ll stop it by driving  off the cliff.

Trek Fans

Reckless and stupid, hopefully his character will develop into just being reckless.

We see an older Kirk in a bar chatting up Uhura.

Uhura

My character’s gone from someone who empowers black women, to a sex symbol.

Director JJ Abrams

Whoa, whoa lets not get political.

Kirk gets into a bar fight and his  style doesn’t cause instant laughter amongst the audience.

Fanatical Trekkies

That’s not Kirk.

Trek Fans

That’s because you can’t tell the difference between a character and an actor. See this http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/the-difference-between-a-star-trek-fan-and-a-trekky/

Captain Pike

Hello I’m here to pretend this is loyal to the original back story.

Kirk

Don’t tell me the film is going to get all boring and cerebral.

Captain Pike

Goodness no.

He convinces Kirk to turn his life around and join star fleet in just  2 minutes of conversation. This is no time for lengthy thought prevoking dialouge.

Admiral somebody

Despite the way you won whilst munching an apple, we have only just worked out  that you cheated.

Jonathan Archer

Hey couldn’t that Admiral be me?

Writers, cast, crew and audience

No!

Captain Pike

To continue this films similarity with the Wrath of Khan, the Enterprise will be crewed by cadets.

Spock

Star fleet’s really that short staffed?  Most illogical.

Captain Pike

We’ll see how logical you are as the film progresses.

Trek Fans

We’re thinking the same about the story.

Imagesource Wikipedia

McCoy sneaks Kirk aboard and the writers get to make a dig at Shatner.

Dr McCoy

Hey quick we’ve only got 20 seconds to take a look at this ship, not the traditional 20 minutes

Kirk

Please fix my hands and tongue I can’t stand these ridiculous hand gestures and…..badly………………………impaired…….linedelivery……………any…more.

Anyone who has ever seen Star Trek before

 He he he he!

Chekov

We’re vedy Keptin.

Captain Pike

Look lad, Kirk did something about his voice. I’d appreciate you doing the same.

Kirk

I’m worried  about this whole sky diving through space thing.

Red shirt

Hi.

Kirk

OK that makes me feel better.

The red shirt bites it.

Trek Fans

Yeah this takes me back.

Sulu

Oh no, he had all the charges.

Kirk

What! Why would only one of us carry the charges?

Sulu

We can destroy this with a couple of shots from these guns.

Kirk

Well at least that’s better than you destroying it with your ridiculous sword.

Vulcan is destroyed. It’s actually the only significantly shocking event to happen in Star trek that won’t be fixed by the end.

 Spock

Wow that’s shocking, why did it have to happen to my planet?

Kirk

It was destroyed anyway after my excitig skydive. What a waste of my time… I mean…

Spock

Get off of my ship.

Kirk gets marooned on a planet where he is likely to die, because the young Spock is kind of an ass.

Old Spock

What a beautiful stroke of luck, now you get to meet me.

Kirk

Look old man I’ve had a really really long day, I’d love to talk but…

Old Spock

He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall mind meld with him.

 I mean you.

Kirk

It wont give me a head ache will it?

Old Spock

It will make this exposition a lot more visually interesting.

Scotty

Despite the fact that I’m clearly a talented engineer, star fleet left me here.

Kirk

Can you get us back on board the Enterprise?

Scotty

No problem, I’ll beam us onto a ship travelling at warp light years away.

Old Spock

But Picard’s transporters…

Kirk

Don’t ever mention that name again! Well at least not until we need another franchise boost.

They warp to catch up with Nero’s ship which is apparently slower than the less advanced Enterprise.

Nero

I know your face, what you were going to become. Trust me I’m doing you a favour.

Kirk

Romulan bastard you killed my dad! By the way did my alternate self survive impossible situations because the villain talked too much?

Nero

Actually he did. Khan!

Kirk

Don’t you dare.

Nero

Fine, and I could have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you pesky kids.

Spock destroys the drill from space.

Spock

I really wish I’d thought of this when we were at Vulcan.

Kirk, Spock and Pike beam out.

Sulu

Shall I take us to a safe distance and let that ship get destroyed by that black hole.

Kirk

No, they could go back in time again and give us a film version of Enterprise. No one wants that. Besides seeing the Enterprise firing all phasers looks cool.

They escape , no one in the audience was on the edge of their seat.  Kirk is made Captain of the Enterprise.

Kirk

Could you ever see the Navy promoting a cadet to a Captain after one mission.

 

Trek Fans

Who cares?

Kirk

True.

Trekkies

True.

Leonard Nimoy

And so the Enterprise crew warps off happy as can be, whilst I deliver the closing monologue, I feel….. old.

 Other Star Trek Humour http://telewatcher.com/science-fiction/star-trek/star-trek-credit-crunch-a-parody/

For more of my parody scripts and other writing go to http://www.triond.com/users/Nathan+Grace